Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Its Just One Of Those Days

It's just one of those days 
that a girl goes through
When I'm angry inside,
Don't wanna take it out on you.
Just one of them things.
Don't take it personal.
I just wanna be all alone

Ive been sitting here for a while, kind of stewing but not really.  I'm not really pissed per se, but I guess it really it just one of those days when you are your own enemy.  I've been singing the lyrics to Monica's "Just One Of Those Days"  as I took out the garbage cans (usually Mr. Millie does it, but he has class on Wednesday nights, and since I'm just sitting here stewing, staring at a blank screen for my final assignment of the term, unable to think of what I want to say-  I figured well, I'll take the garbage out.)  Since it was my rest day, I didn't do any working out today so it felt good to haul heavy cans down to the curb.  

Where are the yucky feelings coming from?  Well, first-  my yucky pictures for the Show Me Your Guns Challenge.  How I feel inside does not match what I look like.  And taking a good hard look at the pics, its really evident that I seriously took "taking the winter off"  to a whole new level.  :(  Working with Brutus these past whatever its been (6? weeks)  I feel SO different.  Stronger.  Better.  I just thought that it would outwardly be reflected too.  And, maybe it has, but sensible me says "you can't be Giselle Bunchin overnight"  the dreamer in me says "Well, yeah, but I *feel* pretty, I *feel*  strong  I *feel*  badass... why can't I look it?  And I can't tell you how many times today I have wanted to take those pictures down. Especially because that one post has had over   five hundred hits... and I just put it up last night.  The old, less confident me would be afraid that the link from last nights blog would be circulating amongst the mean girls with snarky comments to go along with it.  But,  as soon as the thoughts entered my head-  new Millie said "So what!  You're changing, right?  You put together a challenge to help and inspire people, right?  If you can't even stare at your own picture, how are other people going to feel inspired or less intimidated in ANY way to want to do the same?"  And, new Millie is right.   But, Old Millie has put up quite a fight, and done a number on the inside.

So...  against new Millie screaming and yelling and trying to put the imaginary brakes on the non-imaginary real Millie, I decided to weigh myself.  Thinking "All this working out with Brutus and the new diet, surely has had to have had some effect.  But, its night time.  My muscles are swollen and sore from last nights workout...  I knew it wouldn't end well....  and, it didn't.  Dumb.  Seriously, dumb.  So, three chocolate eggs (*shakes fist* at Mom and Mom 2 for sending us home with Easter Baskets-  and :bang head:  for keeping "just a little bit" for myself before sending it off with Mr Millie to give to his guys at work)  and a whole lot of self-loathing later...  I'm finally ready to acknowledge and accept.

I have no control over bad days, days where I feel ick.  I can control other people making me feel ick  and I can control how I react to people trying to do this.  I also can control how Old Millie creeps into New Millie's life.  
Even though I feel bad about myself-  I know that there have been significant Non-Scale Strides:

1.  I *feel* stronger -  and I have guns.-  small guns... like one of those cute teeny spy movie-like guns that the sexy sidekicks always have hiding in their elegantly bedazzled purses-  but, guns nonetheless

2.  This new way of fueling my body (8 meals, earning carbs, lots of protein and fiber)  is making me feel great.  Truly.  - I mean, aside from the slide into chocolate comfort today-and that it's only day 3- but still I feel like it's something I can really do and stick to.  

3.  The new strength has done amazing things for my swimming.  My stroke return is *amazing*  

AND, I can do 8 laps of Supermans without even batting an eye (  for the headscratchers-  a "Superman"  is a swimming move in which, you swim with your hands extended in front of you [clasped though so not technically spread apart like supermans]  and kick - as if you had a kick board but your arms are acting as your kick board instead.  It sounds easy, but really it's not.  Because you need lots of abdominal strength to keep yourself balanced (not jerking side to side)  as well as upright (and have the ability to lift your head out of the water to breath, or keep it above water for an extended amount of time).  

This move is great for core strength and developing your kicking (because most people improperly kick from the knee instead of from the hip) .   *note-  they might also be called different things with different coaches.  My swimming coach, always called them supermans, so that's what I'm going with.  I'm sure in Michael Phelps-ish elite circles they probably have really impressive technical terms most likely named after the Russian that invented the move  like a yeckchenkov  or something...but in the House of Millie- they're supermans.  



Ben said...

Oh Millie! You are so not alone in feeling this way. Losing weight means making long term lifestyle changes & it is not an easy road. Even someone like me who is at least normal weight often wonder why I still have flab clinging here and there yet I am in excellent fitness shape & feel so much better than I look. It's a big battle for many women. But the biggest problem is beating ourselves up over this & feeling like what's the point it is not working. I know the gets me into more trouble & ends up propelling backwards instead of forward. I have been trying hard to get back on track from emotional eating. Maybe we can help each other along!

Jeannie said...

Oops. That comment linked to my husband's gmail account (Ben). The comment was posted by Jeannie Gilbert just so you know.

Alex said...

I know I'm not in the same place you are, but I have those days too. We all do! I get up some mornings (usually a Saturday morning) and feel like a bloated cow because I had a few too many wings and beer the night before. And I wonder why I don't stop doing that and why am I sabotaging my running and work outs with that crap. So it gets me down. But then I'll push myself to go run a little bit (a painful run) and by late morning I feel a little better for working off some of the junk. I try to not beat myself up too much because I used to eat/drink much more of that junk and not run or work out at all. So I know I'm in a better place, if not a perfect place! And you are too!! Look at how much you've changed! The changes to your body will follow, I'm certain. Hang in there!! You are also, as you once called me, a rock star!!

The Tubby Triathlete said...

<3 :) Thanks guys! Today I woke up in a much better place than I was yesterday. I had a great swim, and the endorphin rush has provided some better clarity :) xo

hann said...

All you really need to do is spend some quality time inside of forums. If you find the abdominal exercise and weight gain forums out there, you are in business. These forums are always filled with tips and ways to build muscle faster.