Thursday, May 6, 2010

I knew I was big, but....

So. I created a company facebook page, like a year ago. After reading some article in some magazine, my boss decides that he wants to really utilize Facebook to it's full capacity and start really keeping the Facebook page active and up to date. There has been new content being added every couple hours, but when I got home I noticed he had put a pictorial tour of the office up online. He had pictures of the front office, the desks etc.. yeah nice. So, then I come across this picture of me standing at the reception desk- I'm sure I was bs-ing with her over something. The picture is shot from way down the hall, and totally unbeknownst to me. Wow. I'm crushed. Maybe it was the shirt, maybe it was the way I was leaning against the counter, or maybe I am just really that completely and unflatteringly disgustingly large. Either way- I'm haunted now of that image. (which I deleted by the way- hehe Facebook admin powers rock on) It didn't really add anything to the overall effect anyway.

But, I know that by no means am I anywhere near skinny- or else this little expirament would not be called "The Tubby Triathlete" but I really did not think I was THAT big. This picture was only taken like 2 weeks ago too. Which hurts even more, because whenever I visit the ladies in the office building (they have these huge full length mirrors in the bathroom) I will openly admit I regularly check myself out... because slowly I notice subtle changes and from face on I think I look pretty good. Even when I'm standing to the side Im like ok- not perfect by any sorts but starting to pull in.

It had to be because I was leaning into the lip of the desk. Regardless- it was totally shattering. Ive been sitting here, for an hour now (when I'm supposed to be outside biking) frozen, that same ugly picture flashing through my head over and over again.. and all I can think is, what the hell am I doing. I am high if I think I am anywhere near an appropriate body size to be doing this. I must be insane. People are going to laugh their asses off to see me chugging down the road. God I am such a fool. And here I was all excited because the tank top and unitard I just ordered, I purchased 2 sizes smaller than when I started this. Mainly, because I know that 1. I will be even smaller a month from now and 2. it's spandex, its supposed to be a bit snug. But the tank top came and I tried it on this afternoon and I was thinking "damn, I look pretty good" and "wow, this shirt doesnt even look tight at all, not one roll or bulge protruding anywhere" I was buoyed almost - but after seeing that picture, I seriously think that Ive just been lying to myself. I know Im not going to be a size 4 overnight- or haha who am I kidding, probably ever... but I really thought I would be begining to see a sizeable difference by now.

I guess Im just too impatient. Rome was built brick by brick right. One month left. I feel so under prepared.

My MB keeps telling me that I'll be fine, that I shouldn't fret- but fret seems to be the only thing I'm good at doing right now.

I actually registered for a second triathlon. Not a full Tri though. The 2nd one (in August) is a relay tri that I'm doing with my Dad and sister. I've got the swim leg, which will be a no brainer for me. But I figured it keeps me motivated to keep working out all summer long. A week after the Tri, I go on vacation, so this will keep me dutifully exercising all throughout the summer.

Ive been visualizing myself crossing the finish line, in my orange "Team Rockstar" tshirt, my hair is french braided in twin pony tails, my hair is all a mess whisps sticking out here and there as a result of being wet, then getting wind blow, then sweating through the run (walk) ... and I imagine myself crossing the finish line, elation and relief on my face and just thinking "I really did it. I honestly just pushed through and finished this" In my mind.. I look pretty good. Obviously not skinny, but nothing like that picture that I just saw. Hopefully, stress, bad body posture, an unflattering shirt pattern and maybe a bit of body dysmorphic disorder are combining here to freak me out- and it wasn't really as bad as it seemed. One can only hope anyway... otherwise, you'll know I'm approaching come race day from all the pointing and laughing...