Monday, May 17, 2010

Time Is Closing In, Like A Noose Around My Neck

Three weeks.

A sane person would probably be getting excited for the big day. I, on the other hand, instead of being excited, meet each day with the dread of someone counting down to their date of execution. I feel totally unprepared, and unfortunately am allowing the fear of the unknown get the better of me.

I tend to do this with everything unfamiliar I encounter. I psych myself out to the point where failure becomes a self-fullifilling prophecy. I'm really trying hard to keep focused and stay positive.

I don't really cry a whole lot... I tend to not be a very emotional person, but I did shed four tears (yes four... the tears come and get cut off as quickly as they fall) in panic at the sheer enormity of the task at hand. Im just now catching up on all the "Triathlon Training" books I bought earlier in the year, planning on reading "when I had time". Yeah this is when I have time, and reading them now has just catapulted me further into a panic.. as I probably should have been reading these things, like ohhhhh eight to twelve weeks ago.... too late for that!

Im trying really hard to filter out all the negative comments I hear from people - because negative people, or negativity in general seems to be a hundred times more successful in being absorbed than positive comments. Negative comments I guess are just so much easier to believe than the positive ones. And every I encounter a nay sayer, or someone who is "genuinely concerned for my health and well being" it tends to throw me, internally, into agreement with whatever it is they are saying.. and I spend then next four hours trying to re-convince myself that I actually CAN do this.. and the process is just becoming exhausting. I just don't know how much stamina I have to keep reassuring myself that I'm capable of this.

Here is a snippet of an actual conversation that occured this week:

Concerned Individual: So, what have you been up to lately

Me: Oh, not much. I just finished up the semester, I'm finally done with that- YAY- now I can focus entirely on training for my triathlon

CI: YOURE doing a triathlon?

Me: Yep, June 13th

CI: You know that requires a LOT of training

Me: Yep, I know

CI: You should be careful... you don't want to have a heart attack while you are racing

As if #1 I would just wake up one day three weeks before a race and say "gee the weathers nice out, the sun is shining, I have nothing to do this summer.... I know! I'll compete in a triathlon" What the hell!?!

Another conversation that occured this past weekend:

Me: So, save June 13th... its Triathlon day!

Unconvinced Person: you're still going to do that thing?

Me: Yep... three weeks away

Unconvinced Person: Are you sure you want to do this? I dont know ... I would be .... concerned.....

If I didn't have so many doubts myself, I could tell em all to go to hell... but as I have said before, I'm definitely joining the apparently very large and constantly growing section of naysayers that don't believe I can do this. And as much as I want to believe that I can do this... having to fight against a never ending current of disbelievers is exhausting and has taken its toll on my self confidence and my ability to accurately gauge what is fear and what is the honest to goodness assessment of my abilities and shortcomings.

There are so many little evil trolls gathering around my fear bonfire, in the inner psyche of my mind... stoking the flames, toasting marshmallows, pouring gasoline and forcing the blaze to grow larger and larger.

Quitting would be giving in and allowing that little fear bonfire to consume me. But, I must say, this is the closest I have come to coming face to face with a fear before turning away and succumbing to it. If I actually cross that finish line.. it will be the first time in a really long time that I was able to give fear and self doubt the finger.