Bricks

After a double long workout on Friday (consisting of a short swim and a long bike ride) I chose Saturday as my rest day (mainly because I woke up and just wanted to spend some time relaxing and not have to rush right off to the gym. It was a nice relaxing Saturday morning spent watching a movie on demand (Temple Grandin with Clare Danes...if you haven't seen it, watch it, its phenomenal) and just the kind of motivation that I needed. The movie essentially is about an Austic woman, diagnosed in the late fifties early sixties, who refuses to allow her disability to be a hindrance. By never making excuses for herself, and allowing herself a built in excuse, she far exceeds anyone's hopes or expectations both educationally (she gets a PhD) and professionally ( she apparently is a very well known expert in Animal Husbandry). It was a great message about never giving up and always believing in yourself and your abilities which was a great motivator for me, now that I am just a hair over two weeks away from attempting this.

Today, was my "heavy day" and for my long workout, I did a 30/30/30 brick. Thirty in the pool, thirty on the bike, thirty walking. Since I swim at a health club pool, I did all three stations at the club instead of doing the bike and run (walk) outside. I decided when I was in the pool that I would either swim the 750 or swim for thirty minutes, whichever came first. I complete the 750 in just a hair under fifteen minutes. The water was fast, of course, because it was just be and two old men in the pool, but woohoo for a fifteen minute 750.

On the bike ( a stationary bike) in thirty minutes I went twelve and a half miles.... at a moderate and not back breaking pace. So, that is still under the fourteen mile marker I should be hitting, but if I did twelve in thirty minutes (even if it was on a stationary bike) my confidence is starting to buoy that I will be o.k. come race day.

Proceeding the bike was my run. I did just about two miles in a half hour... respectable. decent... for me anyway.

I had a dream last night that I did the course in 2:32 certainly not "average" but definitely a time I wouldn't be ashamed of. So that has become my target-- 2:32. That would give me an hour for each the bike and run legs , twenty minutes for the swim and twelve minutes for transitions. I think it is doable.

My husband wasnt too fond of the idea of setting a time for myself. He thinks that I am setting myself up for disappointment and that I have been saying this whole time that the goal is to "Complete, not Compete" but what is so wrong with setting a goal. It's not like I'm saying I want to finish with the elites. 2:32 is a respectably low and I think pretty attainable goal, as "Triathlon Training for Dummies" says that the "average" person finishes it in 1:45. So that is giving me almost a full hour longer than "the average person" .

I followed Slow Fat Triathletes advice and tried out my "triathlon gear" today, which included my tri suit, which I had ordered on e size smaller than I am, because I was factoring in the change in body shape. Yeah.... it's too big. Thankfully I am still bustier than the average person who apparently wears this Tri suit, so it does a fine job of keeping the girls stable, but everything from the bust down is not anywhere near the "second skin" it is supposed to be. When I get in the water, the legs balloon a bit which, causes drag, which I'm not all that concerned about... but it does not stay against my legs like I want it to.

I'm probably going to need to buy a pair of spankie pants or something similar to wear underneath the tri suit. Chafing is my biggest concern... with thighs that could light a bonfire from their friction, I was hoping the suit would prevent them from rubbing together. Too late to get a smaller size, this one took almost two weeks to get here. So I will need to think of something.

I feel great ... surprisingly I felt great through the whole hour and half of working out and I feel great now! I was really dreading todays workout because my greatest fear was that I would feel like hell at the end of the workout and then I would be questioning whether or not I was capable of doing this triathlon after all. But considering how un-hellish I feel.. my confidence is certainly cautiously optimstic.

The rest of the day today will be spent outside enjoying this gorgeous weekend. Tomorrow is a long bike ride, a cookout with friends and of course... the Hawks game.

Have a great rest of the long weekend... and LETS GO HAWKS!

~Millie

The Girl With the Pearl Earrings...and Not All Ironmen are A-Holes

Swim again this morning. Those little seeds of doubt are creeping into my brain... now, along with the fear trolls, little goggle and swim cab clad goblins have join the rankings amongst my fear bonfire.

The pool was PACKED this morning. When I say PACKED, I mean, over and beyond packed. Clearly, it's tri-season based on the amount of people in the water... but there were 4 in a lane in EVERY lane.

So, I was sitting in the "Waiting Area" where I usually sit, patiently, waiting for a lane to open up, resigned to the fact that I would have to share at least with one other person but hoping I wouldn't need to share with more than that. The ones occupying the pool condensed into six in each lane (they must be all part of the same training club) so they opened one free lane. The lady sitting next to me (a really nice woman, who is also doing the sprint tri, who was wearing Pearl Earrings (why she wears pearl earrings to swim, I don't know), but I'll refrain from my typically acerbic comments, because she was nice and I liked her :)

We jump into the open lane and an Ironman asks if he can join as well (EEP!) so the three of us circle swim, Oy.Vey. I'm proud to say that I was able (for the most part) to keep up with Mr Ironman, yeehaw! However, that "oh shit" feeling I get during the first few laps I swim, was over and above pronounced today :( And I know its because of how choppy the water is, but that is what concerns me. There were 23 people in the pool... and the water was so choppy it made my arms feel like they were going to fall off. And that was only with 23.... I can't even begin to imagine how many people are going to be in that pool in 2 ish weeks. If I get tired after a 100 in choppy water with 23 people, how on earth am I going to swim 750 meter in choppy water with way more people than that.

Manic Panic Moment # 2million eight hundred and fifty eight thousand.

The Iron man and I got to chatting during a recovery break. He asked what I was swimming that day, I said it's my light day so twelve hundred. He said it was his light day too... I said oh yeah? What do you swim on a "light day" ohhh a 2500!!!!
Um - eep to the nth degree. "On Sunday." he said, "I'll do a 4000" a FOUR THOUSAND. Holy Hell . Color me impressed.

He asked me about the Sprint Tri and he said that's how he got started, and got bit by the Tri Bug.. now he's doing Ironmans. :-o ! According to him the Sprint tri is "fun, because it's so fast and easy" l.o.l fast and easy for you Mr. point o nine percent body fat. He told me the run portion is "just a light jog around the block"

Oh... yeah just a like "3 mile" "JOG" hahaha

He did tell me though, that I should just tell myself that it's just a jog around the block because mentally it will be easier to keep going than to think "oh my goodness it's three more miles until im finished"

So, yay for getting some good advice, and from an Iron Man of all people. :)

Alright, the day has already catapulted into insanity.

Tonight it's a straight bike, and tomorrow, is my first 30/30/30 brick ... Slow Fat Triathlete said I should have been dedicating my Saturday's to these for the past few weeks now, but Slow Fat Triathlete can suck it, because well I've been busy ;-) So, this Saturday and next Saturday 30/30/30 bricks


'Til next time...

~Millie

Rain Rain Go Away, ... No Really, I Mean It.. Go AWAY

Argh stinkin rain. I brought my bike with me this morning (not an easy feat loading my bike by myself into my car at 5:45 on the way to the gym (not to mention planning well enough the following evening to pack swim clothes, work clothes AND gym clothes all in a bag ) so that I could do a bike/run brick after work, before Singing to Jesus at choir practice.

Unfortunately the *(&^)*( rain had other ideas. Sadly my Wednesday nights lack very little time for error as its work, workout, choir. I guess I could have gone to Lifetime to do a simulated ride/run on the machines but of course, I just thought of that now, at 10:00 when I am lamenting about the weather and I didnt think about that then, when I saw it was pouring and I could not ride my bike outside. Sigh, I guess my brain is also fried.

Needless to say, no workout this evening. I guess I have hardcore bricks to look forward to tomorrow night.


I did want to comment briefly again on last nights bike ride. As I was around the course, there was a middle aged man jogging and a woman biking that I kept passing as we looped around the path. I had read in "Triathlon Training for Dummies"- yes, I own it ;-) ... that Triathloners are the most supportive people out on exercise paths, because they recognize that just the effort of getting started is hard enough and the daily commitment is worth celebrating. Anyhow, each time I passed both of these people, they would cheer me on! It was amazing. The jogger would clap for me, and tell me to push through and just one more lap... I don't know if he somehow knew I was training for a Tri or if he was just cheering for me, but it made me smile :) The bike rider lady, clearly a tri-er, would yell "Looking great!" everytime we crossed paths... It is so nice to reminded that there are good and supportive people out in the world.. even total strangers who have no vested interest in whether or not you succeed. I found that the support bug was catching, and a I would cross paths with people, I wouldn't shout "great job" but I woudl smile, say hi, or as I passed someone I would say "lookin good!"

Okay, I know this has been all sunshine and flowers but I do have one mini-soap box to jump up on, since I was just reminded of this...

:begin tangent:

Parents... yes, bike paths are for everyone, children included. And, your little munchkins ARE adorable riding their little training wheeled bikes around the bike loop, their streamers blowing behind them. HOWEVER... (and this goes for the dog walking types also)

It is NOT cute, when you are riding ahead of your child, and your child is either too young to understand the concept, or old enough and it has not yet been explained to them, ... the concept of responsible bike riding and path sharing. When someone says "On your left..." that means that I intend to pass.

The smart thing to do would be to ride with your children IN FRONT of you, and not trailing behind you. If you wanted to get "exercise" then don't do it with your children in tow. When they are behind you, you can not properly watch to make sure that they are not putting themselves in danger, or posing a dangerous situation to others (IE cutting a serious cycler off, forcing them to almost jump their handlebars because they had to stop so quickly to avoid running precious little johnny over as he rode around in circles)

Additionally, hills are very difficult to ascend ... they require build up in speed prior to said hill... therefore it is NOT cute that your child is riding in circles up and down the hill on a scooter, thus cutting off said bike rider, forcing her to do a march of shame up the hill because she did not have enough speed to make it up the steepest part.

Furthermore... it is great that you and the gaggle of neighborhood children, neighbors and dogs all decided to come out and enjoy the nice weather together...more power to you. BUT leash your dogs, AND again, at the risk of sounding redundant, when someone says "ON YOUR LEFT" that typically indicates their intent to pass, which means corral your gaggle of children, pull in the dogs and allow the bikers just a smidgeon of room on the bike path in which to pass you so they can move along at a pace slightly quicker than a snail.


:end tangent:.... you can now return to the regularly scheduled topic.


Anyhow...yay for nice people (based on the above tangent it might appear I am not one of them heehee)

Tomorrow, I will have to kick my own rear end, since it was a miss opporunity tonight.

Two weeks to go. EEEP! to the Nth degree.

~Mille

Hot Tub... ohh how I love thee!

I had taken recently to my new message board, inquiring about lower back and upper gluteal pain and how to get rid of it. Some recommended foam rollers (yeah, with limited upper body strength, rolling myself on a foam roller would be laughable, at best) others recommended a device called "The Stick" looks promising, but with less than 3 weeks til Tri day...it most likely will not arrive in time. Others suggested taking a warm bath. Well, my bathtub in my house is from circa 1984 when my house was built, it is not the most comfortable place to sit in. One day, the bathroom will be renovated and I can get one of those nifty tubs with all the jets and stuff. But for now, the warm bath was pretty much not an option either, until a lightbulb went on while I was swimming this morning. Lifetime, on the pool deck, has these two ginormous twenty person hot tubs...two of them.

And, after some lane drama this morning: I came onto the pool deck, dropped my stuff in the "waiting area" went to fill up my water bottle and came back to the waiting area, before I could sit down a lady signaled to me and asked me if I wanted to join her lane. I got up and headed to her lane when an angry man sitting in the hot tub started screaming about how unfair it was and he had been waiting for ever for a lane. Umm- then what the hell are you doing in the hot tub? People wait in the waiting area pinhead. So whatever drama ensued, the woman who was going to share with the guy in the next lane, stayed in my lane and the guy shared with the angry hot tub man. The woman ended up finishing in four or five laps, and the poor guy was stuck with angry hot tub man for another thirty or so minutes. Angry Hot Tub man, did stop me mid pass to apologize and tell me "it wasn't me" and that he was having a bad morning, but still- Hot Tub Man, you are a tool. But as I was swimming away lamenting over the fool, I thought "What is doing in the hot tub before a swim anyhow.. you're supposed to use it.. *LIGHTBULB!!!!!!* after the workout....

Which is exactly what I did, and it was heaven! I mean I've sat in a hot tub before but it was more of a social thing and not really using it for what it is intended for... and holy cow, now I understand the draw. When I have gotten into a hot tub before it has always been way too hot for my liking, but after a workout when your body temperature is already fairly high, it doesn't really feel hot at all, it feels great. And all of those jets in the hot tubs hit right in the areas that are most sore (calves, lower back, upper back). I had avoided the hot tub before because there are all these horror stories of staph infections and just general grodiness, but I think that I am a hot tub convert. It was ten minutes of pure relief.

Have a great day y'all

~Millie

Wendy's Frosty's are considered "Recovery Food"...right?

Its HOT outside... made even hotter by a killer bike day.. i *think* I actually did fourteen miles today :crowd goes wild with applause: ... aaaand on my way home, I just happen to pass by a Wendy's and boy did ice cream sound nice and refreshing after a long bike ride... I'm not even going to look up the calorie content in a frosty. Im sure that all of my hard work was counteracted by that frosty but whatever... I'm feeding "the furnace" :)

I am really starting to enjoy sweating. It motivates me, it totally gets me going. When I feel sweat dripping down my face from under my helmet, and collecting inbetween my shoulderblades I say an internal "Hell yeah!" and kick it into third (or fourth) gear- figuratively, not literally. I have no idea what gear I am actually biking in... I don't really pay attention. When the hills get too hard from my legs, I drop a gear, when its wide open space and I'm able to pedal so fast my jiggle, jaggles, I increase my gears until my legs are working (just slightly) harder than they had been previously.

The one problem I find myself constantly running into, be it the swim, the bike, or the walk (I have resigned to just call it my walk.. because clearly with only three weeks left - not even three weeks- there is no way in hell I am actually going to be successful in running this thing). is what I call my "oh shit" moment. Its the first group of time in any given event where my body says "I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this... you cant make me... I'm not doing it.. nope... nuh-uh... FINE! I'll do it" This internal argument is also coupled with muscles that refuse to fully engage and an overall feeling of exhaustion (and a feeling that my arms (or legs) are too heavy to even slighty move to one side or another... but once I get into the groove they work great.

Here's the problem though: The biggest problem actually. The Swim. The swim is my "cake" event... In my heart and head I know that a 750 is no problem for me.. that I do double that every morning. BUT most days I am not swimming it straight through without stopping. And, even on the busy days, my pool only has five lap lanes (and I would rather perform my own root canal than share on of those teeny lanes) so, that is 9 other people in lanes assuming the rest are doubled up. That is not nearly close to the amount of choppiness I will be met with come race day. And, from everything I have read everyone "swims full out" for the first 100 and then "falls into a rhythm" ... I am no locomotive... I am more akin to The Little Engine that Could.
I need time to warm up before I can bust out and swim full out. My burst will come mid pool (and I keep calling it a pool but it's not really a "pool" per se.. it's a reservoir. But anyway.

Today's Manic Moment: What if, all this time I have been all laid back and not so worried about my swim leg, only to be met with utter exhaustion come race day because of the need to swim on all eight cylinders for too long of a time. It's not like I can hop into the pool and "warm up" before the race.. there are people launching every couple of minutes starting at like 6:00. I don't want to NOT charge all the cylinders lest I be stuck in a pack of people and unable to break free. And I have been operating on the hope that I would not need to pass anyone, because that too would deplete my energy stores. Maybe I'll have to go wax manic on my the new forum I discovered. The people there hands down are a thousand times more helpful than the people on Beginner Triathlete and not nearly as egotistical or superior than the people at BT. And, they don't mind all of my ridiculous questions :-D

On a secondary note... I had noticied over the past week or so that a handful of people "unsubscribed" to my blog. Im trying not to take it personally.... but at the same time... most of the people actually *reading* my blog are family and friends, and that is pretty much the extent of it, so when people unsubscribe I do kind of take it personally because its like a rejection.

So I jokingly (sort of) asked one of them why they had unsubscribed to my blog... didn't they like me anymore. And the person said that all I did was whine. I didn't think I was whining. I mean, it's a blog... what else am I supposed to write about other than how I feel or what I am achieving (or not achieving).... I was kind of surprised by this.

I don't think I'm really whining... I thought I was just telling it like it is (in the world according to Millie) if I'm tired, I'm going to say I'm tired. If I'm exhausted, I'm going to write how exhausted I am... if I'm stressed, I need to vent my stresses as this whole blog thing is really an outlet for my fears, worries, hopes, successes etc. Last time I checked, a blog is technically a "public diary" is it not?

I guess I could spend another paragraph going into explicit detail on where exactly I hurt right now after that long bike ride.. but I wouldn;t want to "whine" teehee.. actually I wouldn't share anyway, it's gross and my dad reads my stuff :-D


Til tomorrow

~Millie

Lazy Rainy Day

I skipped my swim workout this morning. Mainly, because my workout last night exhausted me... that, and consuming "Five Hour Energy" before my workout, worked well after the five hour advertised time. I didn't fall asleep until well after midnight. When my alarm went off at Five Forty, I decided that swimming is the least of my worries and I could afford to skip a day :)
Well.... and my legs were really sore this morning.

So- this five hour energy stuff. Works really well. Too well probably. And it gives you really strange acid trippy kind of dreams. My dream last night consisted of me taking Goldie Hawn shopping at Macy's to look for a red carpet gown. Of which I chose a beautiful strapless blue dress that matched perfectly the tie and vest of her date (who was NOT Kurt Russel) Then after helping her find her dress, I was not feeling well so she took me to her homeopathic doctor (who was out to lunch when we arrived) . I opened my mouth and discovered my swollen glands were growing at an alarming rate and filled with only what I can describe as fish eggs (little pinkish salmonish colored bubbles multiply twenty fold inside my swollen adnoids. The receptionist at said clinic decided she could do an adjustment for me because she watched the doctor do it plenty of times and tried to "adjust" my facial bones, when it didnt work she hit me upside the face with the butt of her hand... and this is when I woke up. Thank you, "Five Hour Energy" for providing me with the evenings entertainment. However, regardless of the crazy dream, it really did help give me the boost of energy I needed to workout after a long day at work. I flew, and I mean flew around the new bike path I found. I was finished in thirty minutes easily. Though I think the map the Park District puts out is incorrect because there is No Way I did three miles around that path in thirty minutes. Most people can't even run three miles in thirty minutes. And I certainly was NOT running. But regardless of what I walked (i'm guessing somewhere in the 2 mile range) I was expelling crazy amounts of energy and I felt great.

Tonight was supposed to be my super long bike ride, but Mother Nature decided she had other plans for me.. stupid rain. So, instead I am working on my core with my Biggest Loser torture DVD.

I still can't believe how close this Triathlon is. It seems like yesterday that I watched my friend do this and said to myself "I bet I could do this" and, here it is almost time and now I find myself more times than not saying "what was I thinking".

Slow Fat Triathlete says that at this point in the game, physically I am prepared even if I don't believe so. She says that common sense would just point to the fact that when you expel two hours plus exertion every day to train, naturally you are prepared for pactically any form of extended exertion. Its just a mind game at this point and working past your mental brick walls.

So, because this is what Slow Fat Triathlete says... I am engaging daily in postive mental reassertions. Everytime I start to panic about the Tri, I just picture myself running (heheh ok jogging.... ok...walk jogging) across the finish line with everyone cheering, a look of relief washed across my face, as a I tell myself YOU DID IT.... You really did it!

Until tomorrow

~Millie

Feeling a Bit Better than Yesterday

So, feedburner is again taking its sweet time to deliver these postings. Today is Tuesday it is 9:15 at night.

I actually stumbled upon a new site, entirely by accident, when looking for new bike paths (which by the way, i found a new bike path, slightly hilly but doable, a nice wide open paved space roughly five or so miles around... I love it)

Anyhow... thanks to my new friends on the new site I found I learned a lot. The searing pain in my rear end, comes from an improper sized seat. I probably am sitting on a seat that is too narrow of my sit - bones (the bottoms of the ishium crest for all you anatomy buffs) . So I just need to find a bike shop that can measure sit bone spacing, and then get a seat that accommadates the spacing of my sit bones. Hopefully it is that easy and it isnt something that is special order. If so well I guess I'll just have to grit through it come race day. I had an awesome ride today. I did roughly ten miles, still not where i need to be mileage wise, but there was a fierce wind out there today as the storm blew in. And in some parts I really pushed my RPM and it felt great.

So, I am cautiosly and I mean extremely cautiously optimistic that maybe possibly I will hopefully be o.k. come race day in the bike department. I had a great swim this morning. Shortnened, because everyone and their brother is in the pool these days. All the Tri's are starting their hard core training so the pool was jam packed. Thankfully I was able to get an open lane around 6:45. And, I completed a 750 (the tri distance) by 7:05 so twenty (?) minutes to complete it, putting about 60% effort into it... and I wanted to get as "authentic" of an experience as possible so I did not push off or flip turn at the walls, I would simply turn around and keep motoring along.

These moments of panic followed by moments of elation are making my head spin. :)

I am not by any account thinking "oh man I have this in the bag" but more at this point thinking "Ok, maybe I wont make a TOTAL ass of myself... perhaps just slightly"


Additionally, I decided what better motivation to keep me going than a little frosting....

Not the sugary lets put on cake kind.. but the delcious, lets decorate ourselves in some *ice* frosting...

I have decided that if I complete the Tri.. as a gift to myself I am going to purchase a piece of jewelery. My husband doesnt know this yet, but my thinking is, since technically, I didn't really get an anniversary gift (well, I bought us tickets to go see a show and "surprised" him for our anniversary....so that was my gift lol)

Anyway, I have decided that this will be my combination Anniversary Present/ Way to Go! You Did It! present.

:)

I'm decking myself out in some Tiffany Frosting.... this is the carrot Im going to dangle in front of myself to get to the finish line.

Come to mama pretty pink sapphire drop earrings.....




:)

Til Tommorrow

~Millie

Vitamin Water Add

So, Ive been meaning to take a picture of the Vitamin Water ad that is hanging in my locker room... but I tried taking it today and was informed that camera phones are strictly forbidden in the locker room.. ok- tell that to the lady who chats on her IPhone while getting dressed every flipping day.

Anyhow, I googled it and was able to find the same ad.

Here is what it looks like






Its really hard to see the tag line, you have to look closely but it is there - in the parentheses ...

Time Is Closing In, Like A Noose Around My Neck

Three weeks.

A sane person would probably be getting excited for the big day. I, on the other hand, instead of being excited, meet each day with the dread of someone counting down to their date of execution. I feel totally unprepared, and unfortunately am allowing the fear of the unknown get the better of me.

I tend to do this with everything unfamiliar I encounter. I psych myself out to the point where failure becomes a self-fullifilling prophecy. I'm really trying hard to keep focused and stay positive.

I don't really cry a whole lot... I tend to not be a very emotional person, but I did shed four tears (yes four... the tears come and get cut off as quickly as they fall) in panic at the sheer enormity of the task at hand. Im just now catching up on all the "Triathlon Training" books I bought earlier in the year, planning on reading "when I had time". Yeah this is when I have time, and reading them now has just catapulted me further into a panic.. as I probably should have been reading these things, like ohhhhh eight to twelve weeks ago.... too late for that!

Im trying really hard to filter out all the negative comments I hear from people - because negative people, or negativity in general seems to be a hundred times more successful in being absorbed than positive comments. Negative comments I guess are just so much easier to believe than the positive ones. And every I encounter a nay sayer, or someone who is "genuinely concerned for my health and well being" it tends to throw me, internally, into agreement with whatever it is they are saying.. and I spend then next four hours trying to re-convince myself that I actually CAN do this.. and the process is just becoming exhausting. I just don't know how much stamina I have to keep reassuring myself that I'm capable of this.

Here is a snippet of an actual conversation that occured this week:

Concerned Individual: So, what have you been up to lately

Me: Oh, not much. I just finished up the semester, I'm finally done with that- YAY- now I can focus entirely on training for my triathlon

CI: YOURE doing a triathlon?

Me: Yep, June 13th

CI: You know that requires a LOT of training

Me: Yep, I know

CI: You should be careful... you don't want to have a heart attack while you are racing


As if #1 I would just wake up one day three weeks before a race and say "gee the weathers nice out, the sun is shining, I have nothing to do this summer.... I know! I'll compete in a triathlon" What the hell!?!

Another conversation that occured this past weekend:

Me: So, save June 13th... its Triathlon day!

Unconvinced Person: Oh....so you're still going to do that thing?

Me: Yep... three weeks away

Unconvinced Person: Are you sure you want to do this? I dont know ... I would be .... concerned.....


If I didn't have so many doubts myself, I could tell em all to go to hell... but as I have said before, I'm definitely joining the apparently very large and constantly growing section of naysayers that don't believe I can do this. And as much as I want to believe that I can do this... having to fight against a never ending current of disbelievers is exhausting and has taken its toll on my self confidence and my ability to accurately gauge what is fear and what is the honest to goodness assessment of my abilities and shortcomings.

There are so many little evil trolls gathering around my fear bonfire, in the inner psyche of my mind... stoking the flames, toasting marshmallows, pouring gasoline and forcing the blaze to grow larger and larger.

Quitting would be giving in and allowing that little fear bonfire to consume me. But, I must say, this is the closest I have come to coming face to face with a fear before turning away and succumbing to it. If I actually cross that finish line.. it will be the first time in a really long time that I was able to give fear and self doubt the finger.

A Sign! :)

Ok, so after locking up the last post- I saw this quote on my sisters Facebook page:

When it comes to believing in yourself, put your eye on the mark and don't blink. If you have a goal, a dream, or an aspiration....believe in yourself while you are ON THE WAY to your destination, and you will already have arrived ♥

Apparently, the big Guy upstairs decided I needed a sign sooner rather than later, that I was headed in the right direction

:)

The Sands of Time... are NOT my friend

I am just shy of exactly one month until the Tri, and I find new things every day to worry about. I know that it's my inner self, just trying to sabotage, fill my head with doubt, and in general, make me want to quit. It's really just about resilience and stick-to-it ness, right?

I just, find myself sincerely doubting my abilities. Maybe I really did bite off more than I could chew. I seem to keep forgetting that the bike leg is 14 miles and not 12. Ive ben operating this whole time thinking it was only 12 miles, and since currently I can bike between seven and eight miles, I figured a month to gain four miles is no big deal. But a month to gain SEVEN? I don't know about that. Not to mention the fact that I can still only hold a pace slightly faster than a slug for three miles. Now, Im online reading about bike training for triathlons, and it says that for the past two months I should have been practicing "bricks" (switching back and forth between two exercises) the site I was just on suggested seven mile bike, followed by a one and a half mile run, and then repeated. After I finish seven miles, my legs feel like jelly and my ass feels like I just sled downhill, naked, over a bed of pine needles.

I guess I'm going to have to just have faith, and figure out how to change up my workouts so that I can do these "brick" thingies. My fear has shifted from the run leg to the bike leg. At least I know that I am capable of at least walking for three miles, but that bike leg is a repeat route- so once you go through once, you have to go back out and do it again. And I'm so afraid that I'll finish the first leg and just be too tired to finish. I need to stay out of my head and just keep my head down and plug along. If the people on the Biggest Loser can be trained well enough to run a marathon after a month of being on the show, surely I can double the mileage on my bike leg in a month.

When I was in high school, we went on this retreat... and one of the messages of the retreat was to "Let Go and Let God"
apparently that is what I need to do now. I started this journey, Im going to finish the journey... but I think this last month is going to be as much about faith as it is about endurance.

A Perfect Reason Why Your Legs Should Always Be Shaved

First and foremost, I want to begin todays blog with
I AM FINISHED WITH SCHOOL!!! YEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Ok, yay. Now that that is out of my system. It is now time to Bear Down and focus on the task at hand. In less than four weeks, I, Millie the Tubby Triathlete, will be huffing and puffing my way to victory!... of course, I still have a whole lot of training to do. This has riddled me with anxiety, I barely slept last night, waking up every so often just thinking "what on earth did you get yourself into".

Slow Fat Triathlete says at this point in the game (and really I probably should have started it a long long time ago) I should be providing myself constant positive assertions. And not just generalized "you will finish" but, "You are a great swimmer. You have excellent form. This strength will give you the added time you will need to get through the run." "Your legs are strong, this will help you maintain proper cadence during the bike route. This strength will continue and propel you through your run."

She believes that we are only as weak as our minds, and that most of these obstacles are more a battle of will than inability to do them. Especially with as much training as gets put in for this.

My day today started at the pool. I swam somewhere between a 1500 and a 1650. I'm not exactly sure on the final number, because I lost count. I have a lap counter watch, but it being Monday I did not properly pack my bag last night.

I really need to briefly jump on a soapbox for one second and discuss the importance of working out with fins and paddles.(In different rotations, not together, obviously ;-) ) Fins really improve the strength of your stroke. Even if you swim with them and dont increase the amount of pressure you apply, you still get a good workout with them. Now, if you increase the pressue, which increases the intensity, you will get an excellent workout for your arms. Though never swimming in a triathlon before I can't guarantee they will help you come race day, but considering all the conditioning workouts I did for swim team, they always, always pay off come race day. Additionally, fins (especially once specifically designed to make your legs work hard) really strengthen your legs. Not only is this a good benefit in the pool, because who doesn't need the extra oompf from the velocity of a well executed and strong kick? Most people when they get into the swim zone (and I am VERY guilty of this habit) forget to kick and allow your arms to do all the work while your legs drag along at about a quarter of their potential. So imagine how much faster you could go, if you maintained a kick throughout the whole swim leg, and it was an even stronger kick than you usually employ. Results - stupendous!

With my swimming complete I headed to the locker room to start preparing for my day. I discovered that the pants i ordered from Old Navy (which I hastily threw in my bag last night without bothering to look at them) are most likely a size four. I don't know if they are mislabeled, or if they are sized the european way, but they are most definitely NOT my size. I could not even get them past my knee. Thankfully, I work next to a Target. $56.00 later- I have a dress and cardigan to replace the pants/blouse set I was originally planning on wearing today.

Slight problem... Target does not sell plus size pantyhose. A total shock to me, considering they sell plus size clothes. Why on earth would they sell clothes but not pantyhose? So, I'm hose-less today....aaaaaand I haven't shaved in ohhh, maybe three-ish days. Lovely. So, my chicken legs are not only pasty and pale but hairy as well.

Lesson learned, even when showering at the gym, be sure to shave, you never know when you will need it.

I knew I was big, but....

So. I created a company facebook page, like a year ago. After reading some article in some magazine, my boss decides that he wants to really utilize Facebook to it's full capacity and start really keeping the Facebook page active and up to date. There has been new content being added every couple hours, but when I got home I noticed he had put a pictorial tour of the office up online. He had pictures of the front office, the desks etc.. yeah nice. So, then I come across this picture of me standing at the reception desk- I'm sure I was bs-ing with her over something. The picture is shot from way down the hall, and totally unbeknownst to me. Wow. I'm crushed. Maybe it was the shirt, maybe it was the way I was leaning against the counter, or maybe I am just really that completely and unflatteringly disgustingly large. Either way- I'm haunted now of that image. (which I deleted by the way- hehe Facebook admin powers rock on) It didn't really add anything to the overall effect anyway.

But, I know that by no means am I anywhere near skinny- or else this little expirament would not be called "The Tubby Triathlete" but I really did not think I was THAT big. This picture was only taken like 2 weeks ago too. Which hurts even more, because whenever I visit the ladies in the office building (they have these huge full length mirrors in the bathroom) I will openly admit I regularly check myself out... because slowly I notice subtle changes and from face on I think I look pretty good. Even when I'm standing to the side Im like ok- not perfect by any sorts but starting to pull in.

It had to be because I was leaning into the lip of the desk. Regardless- it was totally shattering. Ive been sitting here, for an hour now (when I'm supposed to be outside biking) frozen, that same ugly picture flashing through my head over and over again.. and all I can think is, what the hell am I doing. I am high if I think I am anywhere near an appropriate body size to be doing this. I must be insane. People are going to laugh their asses off to see me chugging down the road. God I am such a fool. And here I was all excited because the tank top and unitard I just ordered, I purchased 2 sizes smaller than when I started this. Mainly, because I know that 1. I will be even smaller a month from now and 2. it's spandex, its supposed to be a bit snug. But the tank top came and I tried it on this afternoon and I was thinking "damn, I look pretty good" and "wow, this shirt doesnt even look tight at all, not one roll or bulge protruding anywhere" I was buoyed almost - but after seeing that picture, I seriously think that Ive just been lying to myself. I know Im not going to be a size 4 overnight- or haha who am I kidding, probably ever... but I really thought I would be begining to see a sizeable difference by now.

I guess Im just too impatient. Rome was built brick by brick right. One month left. I feel so under prepared.

My MB keeps telling me that I'll be fine, that I shouldn't fret- but fret seems to be the only thing I'm good at doing right now.

I actually registered for a second triathlon. Not a full Tri though. The 2nd one (in August) is a relay tri that I'm doing with my Dad and sister. I've got the swim leg, which will be a no brainer for me. But I figured it keeps me motivated to keep working out all summer long. A week after the Tri, I go on vacation, so this will keep me dutifully exercising all throughout the summer.

Ive been visualizing myself crossing the finish line, in my orange "Team Rockstar" tshirt, my hair is french braided in twin pony tails, my hair is all a mess whisps sticking out here and there as a result of being wet, then getting wind blow, then sweating through the run (walk) ... and I imagine myself crossing the finish line, elation and relief on my face and just thinking "I really did it. I honestly just pushed through and finished this" In my mind.. I look pretty good. Obviously not skinny, but nothing like that picture that I just saw. Hopefully, stress, bad body posture, an unflattering shirt pattern and maybe a bit of body dysmorphic disorder are combining here to freak me out- and it wasn't really as bad as it seemed. One can only hope anyway... otherwise, you'll know I'm approaching come race day from all the pointing and laughing...

~Millie