Thursday, January 7, 2010

New Year- Reaffirmed Resolve

So, clearly I took the end of 2009 off. Well it wasn't like a decided vacation or anything- more like a holy crap what the hell am I doing, where am I going, and what time is it? kind of psychotic spiral into chaos. Mental note- do NOT take three classes (in person) whilst working full time, trying to train for a triathlon, worry about your husbands impending job loss, and oh yeah- because the cadillac insurance ran out at the end of the year, attempt to have a child as well. There, I said it. Yes, we were also mired in the process of A.R.T (assisted reproductive technology). Cleary, since I'm blogging about reaffirmed resolve and I'm not saying sorry guys no triathlon for me, it obviously didn't work. And it sucks. It worse than sucks. The whole world is pregnant right now- well at least everyone in my world is anyhow. And no one gets how hard it is to be happy for other people when you are screaming inside. If you havent walked in those shoes you have no idea what I'm talking about and will make snap judgements about how I'm just jealous, but it's not jealousy. I don't know how to describe it.... you want to smile but you know the smile you give will be a dead giveaway to the tears you cried on the way over.... and you want to be excited but inside all you are thinking about is how it should be you.... and you want to spend every waking second talking about names, and experiences, and doctors appointments, and baby registries with your happy and excited friends, but every one of those conversations is another proverbial nail in the coffin of the dreams that you allowed yourself to dream.

Hope is an addictive drug.... and when the hope is gone all you have is a bottomless pit of despair and self loathing. And now, the insurance is gone.... everything from here on out is paid out of pocket. And, a twenty five thousand dollar price tag is not anything we can even begin to fathom .. not now anyway. So here I am staring down the nose at 32.. well ten months from now anyway.... with the never ending drone of a clock that reminds me daily what a total failure I am, wondering if we will ever get the chance before the clock stops for good. And then if we do by some miracle come up with that 25,000 (for one round- might I add).... and that doesn't work... adoption, yeah - anywhere from 25,000 to upwards of 40,000 dollars, depending if you adopt locally or internationally.

My choir director made an offhand comment a year or so ago about this couple that adopted these babies from china... and how, obviously if God had wanted them to be parents, he would have given them their own children. What he said haunts me daily.... I try to tell myself "oh yeah, and God thought it was o.k for someone like Casey Anthony to be a parent ad kill her kid 2 years later... or it was o.k for all those drug dealers, or child abusers, or strippers, or all the other never ending strands of "undesireables" to be parents, but God has decided that whatever baggage I have doesnt make me fit to be a parent? But still.... the voice is there... always.

So, rather than continue this downward descent in self exiled madness- I've decided that I will only focus on that which I have control over. Back to square one. I havent been in a pool since the end of October when all the madness started.... so its going to hurt, badly... I know this. I'm prepared for this.

Will I be ready to compete in June's triathlon? probably not, since they have already all started training for it.... but I'm taking it one day at a time. This time, I'm not quitting.

I have a laptop now :) and ... fancy that it fits in my gym bag (in a protective case of its own might I add) so... I can bring it with me and blog right after my workouts.. instead of having all these thoughts in my head while im swimming or biking or walking... and then try to remember them while I change... and go back to the parking lot (thinking... its a health club idiots why are you circling the lot looking for upfront parking) in the car on the way home (Beep Beep- you &*&#^& idiot.. do you KNOW how to drive) home (to Hi Honey how was your day.. etc etc blah blah blah) whats for dinner im starving,... (dinner... relax... and THEN blog) by then its like...crap.. what WAS I going to say anyhow?

So- yay for portable thoughts. Tomorrow (once the blizzard passes), as I'm snowed into the house today- will be my next foray back in the pool.