You Were Right, I Was Wrong

I most definitely took on way, way, way too much this semester. I have burned the candle at so many ends, that the candle no longer is discernable and instead looks like a piece of swiss cheese it's been burned in so many places. I am spent. EMotionally, physically, mentally. I have hit a brick wall and every ounce of me is screaming that I should just give up. Except for this teeny tiny little voice that tells me to muddle through to keep pushing that soon, the only thing I will have to concentrate on is the Triathlon. One more week and school is over. One more week and the only thing I will need to focus on is stronger better faster. But now, mired in all of the crap that I have to get done, there is a quickly increasing and always strangling panic that I whatever ball I left in the air, is going to come down and crash. My times and distances are grossly lacking. 8 miles bike, 3 miles in an HOUR for the run (well- since we're being honest- the walk) swimming is the only thing that I am fairly confident I will be okay in. And even that is starting to worry me. I don't know how much is legitimate concern and how much is fear, and how much I can really gain in the less than six weeks that remains.

I took this personality test recently, and I am absolutely amazed at how dead on it is:


The Phlegmatic / Sanguine
If you are a phlegmatic-sanguine, your phlegmatic side will dominate. This will result in a greater tendency to introversion (though still less than a melancholic’s or pure phlegmatic’s). You are congenial and cooperative and get along well with most everyone. Because of your emphasis on harmony in relationships, you are peace-loving, conservative, well-balanced, easy-going, with a dry wit and a talent for bringing people together. As an employee, you are compliant, dutiful, orderly, and subdued (and probably were as a child too). Others may not realize that you have a sanguine side -- at first. It may take a little longer for you to make close friends (because you do not reveal your feelings or thoughts as readily as the more extraverted sanguine-phlegmatic), but once you do, your sanguine nature can assert itself. It will also show up when, for example, you have been so dutiful and compliant about work or school that finally you need to relax and unwind — and now the sanguine, fun-loving side comes out. Or, when you are hanging out with your closest friends.
You are very thoughtful of others, with a knack for empathically putting yourself in other people’s shoes, and value peace and harmony at all times. You also have a great sense of humor and an easy-going manner that makes you a valued friend. You are discouraged by criticism or negativity and need acceptance, support and cooperation in your personal life. You can be deeply wounded by sarcasm, harsh criticism, and anger when it is directed at you. You will not, however, directly fight back but prefer to “turn the other cheek” or redouble your efforts to please.
Phlegmatic-sanguines tend to prefer movies, concerts, or other forms of relaxation that are a bit more spectator-oriented. When they attend parties, they tend to prefer smaller groups, rather than the large social gatherings a pure sanguine enjoys. Like sanguine-phlegmatics, they are very attentive to relationships, to harmony among people. They have deep feelings, hate negative criticism, and become discouraged by negativity in those around them. They are strongly tempted to repress their own wishes in order to preserve peace in a relationship. A stressful situation (especially one that is interpersonally demanding) may cause the peaceful phlegmatic-sanguine to withdraw into solitary television watching, playing computer games, eating or sleeping, instead of directly expressing their negative feelings.
A danger for the phlegmatic-sanguine is to be satisfied with achieving less than what he is capable of -- whether because he tends not to plan for the future or because the more challenging goals seem to be “too much trouble.” A phlegmatic-sanguine will be strongly tempted to quit if he doesn’t think the end product is worth the effort or if he fears he won’t succeed. Perhaps the most besetting difficulties for this temperament mixture are the natural inclination to peace and quiet (tempting one to laziness), a preference to live within the moment (superficiality), and a tendency to make decisions based first on the desire to please someone else or to restore harmony.
In a relationship, the phlegmatic-sanguine is true-blue. He is likely to be a great listener, is willing to put others first, and has excellent mediatory skills. You are a supportive friend and a cooperative employee; however, this can cause you to say “yes” to demands of friends or colleagues, without first analyzing whether this choice is actually the best choice to make. At times, wanting to either please your good friends or avoid conflict either at home or at work, you may “go with the flow” when in fact a strong stance is necessary. Or, you may avoid a more demanding task or career move in order to maintain harmony and stability. If you find yourself “stuck in a rut” or avoiding making the extra effort required to make an important change, take time out to analyze your goals for the future, realign your priorities to reflect your values and, if necessary, seek spiritual direction to ensure that your values are aligned with God’s will for you.
If your temperament is phlegmatic-sanguine, for a better understanding of your temperament it is recommended that you read the full descriptions of the phlegmatic and sanguine.



The biggest points that hit home were "being satisfied with achieving less than what you are capable of" and not setting goals because they seem to be too much trouble, and constantly quits because of fear of failure!

At this point, me quitting entirely would be failure. Finishing last is not failure. Not trying will be the failure. A friend of mine told me, it's better to be Dead "Flipping" last than Did Not Start or Did Not Finish - so... that is what I keep telling myself.

One week, one more week, and finally the noose around my neck will loosen- at least until fall. But that is what is propelling me through this last week.. I mean, its preparing me for the race mentally anyhow isn't it? Showing me about overcoming obstacles, pushing through walls, and mentally achieving success even when you want to quit. :)

It's been a long time since Ive posted. Posting became backburnered trying to balance everything else in my life. As soon as classes finish, it will be back to daily postings.

Hopefully this weekend, I will be able to make up the lacking ground, both triathlon wise and academically.

Have a great weekend peeps
~Millie

Trying Not to Be Discouraged

Ok, before I start, I wanted to mention that I just had to go back and re-input the title of my blog because I had it as "TRIng not to be discouraged" ahhhhh this triathlon has infiltrated every part of my brain!! hahaha


It is Saturday, about 4:00. It was a bike day for me. I had intended on going to the trail and had told myself I was going to do 2 laps around "even if it killed me" is what I told myself. Sadly, I didn't even make it out of the starting gates. My SUV is just a tad bit too small for my bike. I am able to get it in (with a huge amount of oragami-like maneuvering) my car but not without difficulty. I tried doing it this morning, and somehow maneuvered around so much I got a spasm in my back ( I dont know what to call it, but it hurts like hell) so , frustrated, I just took my bike and rode the neighborhood. 4 1/2 miles.
It was not nearly as far as I had wanted to ride, but I guess it will have to do for now. I told my husband that I needed a bigger SUV because my bike doesn't fit in this one. His response was that we can go shopping for an exterior bike rack tomorrow (*snaps fingers* drat!) :)

Its my wedding anniversary today. We have plans to go out for a nice dinner tonight. I had bought a pair of pants for a friends birthday a few weeks ago, and they hadn't fit well enough to my liking, so they've been sitting folded in my closet. I just pulled them out (keep in mind this is three weeks later) and yet STILL they are bordering on too tight. How on earth after weeks of busting my ass, are my pants still tight? It makes me mind numbingly angry. My husband in the past month has lost TWENTY pounds doing nothing other than working later (so he says he hasn't had time to "Snack" ... and I work out two hours a day, eat probably 1600 calories a day and Ive lost next to nothing and the only things smaller are my feet. My FEET! What the heck? I go from a nine and a half shoe to a nine but still have pants that do not fit to my liking. Oh yeah.. and my arms.... and my boobs... but seriously- note to stomach LET THE FAT GO!! I just don't understand this! It pisses me off to no end.

So now, I have to wear other pants, old not new pants. Which isnt the end of the world, but its just not the same. I know I'm not really supposed to be focusing on the weight part since I told myself months ago I wasn't going to ... but how do you not have some kind of expectation when embarking on something of this magnitude? I can only keep plugging along but I just wanted SOMEONE to know that I am really upset over this. And it makes me wonder if there really *IS* a difference in the way I look, or if people have just been blowing smoke up by ass just to make me feel better.

:-(


~Millie

Jumping Sumo Squats- I loathe thee

For those of you who have my feeds delivered to your email- Feedburner has a massive delay (like 24 hours) so, things I write on say Wednesday morning, you aren't receiving until Thursday night. *shakes fist* stinkin' Feedburner - just an FYI.

So, it is THURSDAY night as I am writing this.

Tonight, thanks to busting my tail and well, not getting a whole lot of sleep last night when I returned from choir- I have now managed to get a ahead in two of my three classes. Yay.me. So I can put a bit more focus after work to working out.

Tonight, I worked on my core and then biking. For those who scoff at my biggest loser workout on Wii (not that I am aware of any public scoffing, but just in case you are) I am NOT kidding you at how difficult this thing is. I sweat and grunt and actually have to stop occasionally to catch my breath as Im doing it. I decided that I shouldn't wussy out and just do the "Intermediate" core routine instead of doing the beginner just because I don't like the discomfort of actually having to work harder than my potential. I bit the bullet and did the intermediate. Um- ouch! There isn't *much* of a difference between the intermediate and the beginner as far as time spent working out (30 minutes, well technically 28) but it's the types of execrises that differentiate the two.

In the intermediate, which I did tonight, I was introduced to "Jumping Sumo Squats"... a move in which you do a jumping jack, and on the return instead of bring your legs together, you are extending them outward into a deep squat, then jumping up like a jumping jack and repeat. Not easy. Not even intermediately easy. Those effers are HARD! As well are the "Mountain Climbers" in which you alternately bounce from leg to leg (lifting them chest high) while you I guess "monkey" your arms as if you were climbing up a tree. Two sets of those (by 2, because you repeat the entire circuit twice) and I was sweating, gasping and cursing. I know I'm going to be all kinds of hurting in the morning...and probably into the weekend. The only plus side, is that I know in the long run, all of these strengthening exercises are only going to help my stamina and endurance come race day. Plus, make me look not so- well -tubby in my dead sexy unitard type swim suit.

After catching my breath, guzzling some water, and once the thundering in my ears stopped, I headed out for a bike ride. I had intended on doing a six mile ride, just around the neighborhood, but on the third turn up the mini-hill into the next subdivision, my thighs decided to stop working. So, I called it quits. My main concern is continuing with at least an hours worth of training a day (since I lost my morning swim until Monday) then it will be back to two hours a day from now until race day.

I have also given up on any fantasies that I will be running the "run" leg of the triathlon. There just is no way. I am having so many problems with my foot that I will just be glad to do a "Silver Streaker" walk for three miles.

T Minus One Month Twenty Eight Days

~Millie

T Minus Two Months- Exactly

Today is April 13th. The triathlon is June 13th. Exactly two months from today, I will be huffing and puffing and chugging along. Time has gone by so quickly, and I still find myself so under prepared. A lot can happen in eight weeks I guess. And yet as I pontificate on the difficulties that are ahead of me in preparing for this journey, what did I do today to further myself in preparation. Nothing. Nada. I sat my happy butt on my couch, had Subway for dinner and then spent the rest of the night doing homework. Just one night I know, but this is not the time to be cutting myself any slack. This is the time for two workouts per day, no holds barred. And yet- it was almost too easy skipping an evening workout. And both sad and scary, I only feel the slightest bit of guilt. That isn't right.

Tomorrow is another day, and I will have to find creative ways to get two hours of workouts in with no pool. :(
I sincerely wish there were more hours in the day. Maybe like two more... that would make life so much easier.

One month, twenty nine days. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.


~Millie

I Must Have Been Sick the Day They Taught Sharing In PreSchool

This morning- early, ... very early- this morning. The birds decided that I had had plenty of sleep and I really did not need to sleep any longer. Even if it WAS only 4:30. Mental Note- put sleeping pills in bird feeders.

It was far too early to get up and start my day, so I made an attempt to go back to sleep, but between a cat that purrs incessantly, two dogs that somehow have ESP and know when I'm actually asleep and when my eyes are closed, but I can hear them,... it really was useless to attempt it. At like 5:30 I finally could no longer ignore or tolerate my idiot animals, so I began my day. One would figure that getting out of bed earlier than normal, would have afforded me extra "time" so to speak, to get ready and get to the gym. Somehow, those extra minutes were sucked into a black hole, as I still managed to be incapable of leaving my house before six oclock.

Traffic- grr.

Finally made it to the gym, only to discover that either- there are a LOT of people reading my blog other than the eleven that are subscribed... or somehow word got out that the pool is empty in the morning, because BOTH pools- PACKED. Double and tripled up in every bleeping lane. Ohh did that ever make me a very unhappy camper this morning. I didn't get into the pool until almost 7:00 (6:40) so I decided to make the best of my morning workout and see how long it would take me to complete the required distance for the sprint Tri. (750m) I swam 800m in 24 minutes, and that was half-assing it. So, yay me.

Tonight's workout will probably be Core strength (Ie- my biggest loser DVD) I have to tend to the jungle of a backyard, as I told the husband I would do it yesterday and never got to it. This is the problem with two people being in school simultaneously and working long hours (him) and training for a triathlon (me)
Housework never seems to get done. I need a housework fairy. Or, perhaps it's time to just get a cleaning lady. :)

Alright- have a good day peeps!

~Millie

Weekend Musings

Saturday morning, was an early start...especially early because my neighbor decided to mow his lawn at 7:30, yes, you read that right- Seven -Bleeping- Thirty in the Bleeping morning. I told you these Stepfords are obsessed with their lawns. I hadn't intended on getting that early of a start, as the Forest Preserve (well, Prairie Preserve really) said their trails don't open until an hour after sunrise. So I figured on about oh, Eight thirty or so. But, instead since I was awakened to the sounds of grass cutting, I got an earlier start than intended.

Similar to the difference in riding a stationary bike in the health club, compared with riding a regular bike out on the street- there are also significant differences between riding your bike around the neighborhood and riding on a trail. Hills, for one. These had not been anticipated while I was riding the trail. I mean, we live in Illinois, it's flat right? When you hear the word "Prairie" I assumed anyway- flat land. Yeah, I was wrong. Even the smallest blip of a hill feels like Mt Everest when you're exhausted and your legs start refusing to work.

Also, trails are find gravel, as opposed to concrete or asphalt. You definitely have to work harder to get pedaling on gravel. The third factor I had not considered when riding the trail... wind. For some reason, riding around the neighborhood, the wind is not very significant- I'm guessing because the houses block most of it. Being in the wide open prairie though, the wind is front and center. Also not resistance I had anticipated.

I'm not going to BS you. The six and a half miles that I did on Saturday was NOT easy by any stretch of the imagination. I actually found myself wondering if I was actually going to be able to do this in less than two months from now. Because, I need to be able to do DOUBLE that in about half the time. Actually more than double its fourteen miles roughly. I'm at six.
But, before I could kick myself for NOT being able to perform to my "expected" abilities, I decided for once to cut myself some slack instead. I mean, I still biked six and a half miles right? Thats six and a half miles more than a lot of people can do. Yeah, it's not what I should be able to do at this point, but as my motivational buddy pointed out- stamina builds quickly on the bike. So I think I'm in an ok position. I do want to say though, that I have never met more friendly people than I did on the trail. Everyone I passed said hello, good morning, a few people gave me some "YOu Can DO ITs" as well as some "Good Jobs" and when i had to stop after riding up a hill- three different people stopped to ask me if I was okay. How refreshing to see people helping people. :)

My gym is closed Wednesday through Saturday of this week for who knows what. So, I'll have to be creative with my double workouts on those days.

Today (Sunday) I was sitting in mass, and the homily (in a round about way) was about moving past your fears. Which only reaffirmed my committment to seeing this thing through. Am I scared? Most definitely. I'm petrified that I'm going to get there, and for some reason I won't be able to finish. That I'll have to somehow explain to those who come to support me that I couldn't do it. My fear of failing is probably more apparent than any other fear that I have currently. I keep telling myself that *even* if for some reason, I get knocked out in the pool, or my the chain on my bike breaks, or I get to the run and I just can't go any farther... trying is still winning.... not finishing, is not failing. It keeps me sane anyway.

I'm in the home stretch of training. Two more months left. I need to stay focused and keep to two hours a day training, every day but Sunday. I have plenty of other things to get done today... grass cutting being on the list. Not to mention cleaning (which has been grossly (and i emphasize the GROSS) neglected between work school and training.

So I hope everyone has a great rest of the weekend!

~Millie

My Countown Clock Says 2 Months 5 Days

Um- Eek!
I keep fooling myself somehow into thinking I have more time. So that is barely NINE weeks until the TRI. I think that I am pretty much screwed at this point. Walking 3 miles, no problem, running it- heck even jogging portions of it- big problem :(
I need to make a trip back to the podiatrist and get some new inserts hopefully that helps.

No pool today, thunderstorms. Thankfully, yesterday I was just finishing it up when they shut it down. The only thing I missed was a cool down. Today though, it was thundering and lightning when I woke up so I figured why bother getting out of bed and driving all the way there only to find out the pool is closed.

I had a really long work out last night. It was a "run" night ... I jogged a bit.. still cant get past sixty seconds.... so of course the super critical inner me told me as I huffed and puffed that there is no way I'm going to make it in this little endeavor of mine. That I should just give up now and save myself the embarrassment. But I refuse. I have 2 months still, if I keep moving forward, even if I still can't run it, I'm sure I'll be able to walk it much faster.

Tonight is supposed to be a bike night, we'll have to see what the weather is like this afternoon. Currently its cloudy and drizzling.

Ive noticed in these recent weeks, that as my activity level increases and increases, I am NEVER ENDINGLY hungry. Like, seriously, all day, my stomach growls. Ive taken to drinking coffee all day long because it is the ONLY thing that seems to help keep my stomach from NOT growling in between meals. Even as it stands now, it feels like I am always eating, even though I'm really not. And it's not like I'm eating bad food when I'm hungry- it's like a meal replacement shake, or a bag of nuts, or a piece of fruit, a container of yogurt, a home made smoothie etc. So my food choices are good food choices, but it's like my body is like "yeah thanks for the appetizer, now bring on the main course"

I still can't believe I only have 8 weeks. Either these 8 weeks are going to show me what perserverence and stick-to-it-ness can achieve, or I'm going to make a total fool of myself :(

Lets hope it's the former.

~Millie

Why yes, I did get my butt kicked by a WII game

Okay- it's been almost a full week since my last post. I stink, I know. But it isn't for lack of working out (well, mostly). It has just been super busy with school, Holy Week, work, working out, that the blog sort of drops on my priority list.

So, thanks to Holy Week and the multitude of masses that the choir sings in, it's fairly hard to come home and really get a good workout in, because of time constraints- and who would want to sit next to a sweaty smelly person during mass- not me... so in consideration for my choir mates, I try to get a shower in before going to mass. Sometimes though, that isn't possible in the amount of time I have and I show up to practice only- in my hoodie and stretchy pants- I'm sure the second row just loves me.

Anyhow- last Wednesday I arrived home, I had a very small amount of time to workout before heading to choir practice. So, I have a WII console (as discussed in previous workouts) so I figured I would use my Biggest Loser for WII game. I told myself "though it won't be a "Great" workout- at least it will be "something" Well, Holy Aching Muscles Batman- if you haven't tried this game- you get one heck of a workout. SO much so that I was sore for FOUR days afterward. I worked out on the "Intermediate" setting thinking that I'm fairly in shape so Intermediate shouldn't be a problem for me. Yeah, totally over estimated my abilities. Half way through, I dropped it down to beginner. I did the "Core" workout, and let me tell you it is not easy. I was sweating and grunting and the next day every time I tried to sit down, shooting pain. So- Wii Fit, Biggest Loser game- well worth it. Major thumbs up.

Today, is Run day. :Cue Rocky Music: I will run without fail today. I WILL move past sixty seconds of running. I will only focus on my music and keep running until the music stops.

As I told my friends yesterday, there are only 11 weeks until the Triathlon. It is Shit or Get off the Pot time.

For other big chested ladies.... I discovered a sports bra in a UK Triathlon Magazine called a "Shock Absorber" apparently, these bras have "Figure 8" technology to hold the girls in taking into consideration all the directions that the twins move. Thankfully, we have a family friend in London (they only ship to the UK) who ordered them for me and shipped them out. I will be trying it tonight and will keep you updated on how well they work.

Til Later

~Millie :)