Thursday, March 4, 2010

A Month?!? Holy crap

Okay I knew I had taken a bit of time off from blogging, but a month- wow I didnt think it had been that long. Wow.... well fear not I'm still much as I can currently. But I will get back to that in a bit.

I'm having a hell of a time right now and I kind of just need to go with it... so -WARNING- dangerous curves ahead, known as multiple tangents.

I'm crazy stressed, and I'm freaking.out and I can't seem to a catch a break ANYWHERE. And I'm so sick of getting dumped on by people from every aspect of my life. I mean, granted, I KNOW that I put way too much on my plate here. What kind of lunatic signs up for three classes, works full time, trains for a Triathlon, sings in the choir, AND is part of a book club? Well- me apparently. Oh yeah not to mention the blog. My classes are starting to get the better me, honestly Im slowly warming myself to the idea that this will be the semester I lose my 4.0 - and I've cried over it, I've lamented about insane workloads and ridiculous expectations, but I'm not perfect and the classes Im taking this semester are hard. I feel like Im drowning.

Ive been trying to post this thing for three days now. I keep having to save it and come back. There is so much I want to say but I just don't know where to start. So we'll start with what is top of mind right now.. my mother.

So, I call her on my way home from work because I realize that I haven't talked to her in at least a month, and she had sent me an email wondering if I was back from Arizona yet (more on that in a bit) So I call her and it's a never ending tyrade of why I am not good enough.

Now that Im sitting here, and Ive been sitting here fuming for a while now- I realize the reason that I always over committ myself. Its a ever ending battle to get some form of recognition or get an ounce of credit. For someoe to say, you know what, you are enough. Youre doing a damn good job. I don't tell you enough but I AM proud of you- I AM impressed by all that you do. Instead I get a tyrade of complaints. I live to far when it comes to her coming out to me- but in matters of me going there I'm ONLY an hour away..... I just don't care to come and see her.

My friends all seem to think they are the only friends that I have and why don't I have time to call them , talk to them visit with them hang out with them etc. and same goes for choir- Ive missed the past two weeks, and when I emailed my director this wednesday to tell him I woudn't make it agian because of homework I got a one word response... "Peace" peace? WTF is that supposed to mean? Peace? Whatever.

My company is moving and apparently it is expected that I work overtime there to get stuff packed up and organized. My husband started a new job and is working insane twelve hour days. I have two dogs at home nightly that I need to rush home to let out- not to mention the mountain of homework that I am up everynight doing. My DVR is overloaded with television shows that I havent even been able to watch yet.

I know you have got to be putting two and two together byt now right? Yeah, the last time I worked out was on Wednesday. And I swam, for an hour. The last time I worked out before that? The Tuesday previous ... (unless hiking in Sedona is considered "working out" but I certainly dont count it) I was on a mini vacation with the husband.

So, yeah Im freaking out. My gym- dont even get me started on lifetime. Seriously I think the entire population of my town has all decided to start working out in the after work rush. Monday Im going to start heading to the gym in the morning. Otherwise Im unable to get workouts in. The simple act of getting to the gym in and of itself stresses me out. THe parking lot is packed to the gills, you have to wait in line for workout equipment- and the pool UGH if dont leave my job at exactly FIVE on the nose, I have no hope of getting in that pool until 7 or 8 at night. And Spin Class yeah I gave up on that one two weeks ago. (Unless of course I want to start workig out in the middle of the day, but I think my job might have something to say on that one)

On the plus side- the snow is starting to melt. Im hoping that after next weeks warmup I can start running and biking outside. Of course I need to procure a bike. I plan to go looking sometime this weekend.

I just am at the end of my rope. Maybe once Midterms pass and things calm down a bit again I'll feel bettr, but right now I'm seriously afraid that I am just going to fail at yet another thing.