Vitamin Water Add

So, Ive been meaning to take a picture of the Vitamin Water ad that is hanging in my locker room... but I tried taking it today and was informed that camera phones are strictly forbidden in the locker room.. ok- tell that to the lady who chats on her IPhone while getting dressed every flipping day.

Anyhow, I googled it and was able to find the same ad.

Here is what it looks like






Its really hard to see the tag line, you have to look closely but it is there - in the parentheses ...

Time Is Closing In, Like A Noose Around My Neck

Three weeks.

A sane person would probably be getting excited for the big day. I, on the other hand, instead of being excited, meet each day with the dread of someone counting down to their date of execution. I feel totally unprepared, and unfortunately am allowing the fear of the unknown get the better of me.

I tend to do this with everything unfamiliar I encounter. I psych myself out to the point where failure becomes a self-fullifilling prophecy. I'm really trying hard to keep focused and stay positive.

I don't really cry a whole lot... I tend to not be a very emotional person, but I did shed four tears (yes four... the tears come and get cut off as quickly as they fall) in panic at the sheer enormity of the task at hand. Im just now catching up on all the "Triathlon Training" books I bought earlier in the year, planning on reading "when I had time". Yeah this is when I have time, and reading them now has just catapulted me further into a panic.. as I probably should have been reading these things, like ohhhhh eight to twelve weeks ago.... too late for that!

Im trying really hard to filter out all the negative comments I hear from people - because negative people, or negativity in general seems to be a hundred times more successful in being absorbed than positive comments. Negative comments I guess are just so much easier to believe than the positive ones. And every I encounter a nay sayer, or someone who is "genuinely concerned for my health and well being" it tends to throw me, internally, into agreement with whatever it is they are saying.. and I spend then next four hours trying to re-convince myself that I actually CAN do this.. and the process is just becoming exhausting. I just don't know how much stamina I have to keep reassuring myself that I'm capable of this.

Here is a snippet of an actual conversation that occured this week:

Concerned Individual: So, what have you been up to lately

Me: Oh, not much. I just finished up the semester, I'm finally done with that- YAY- now I can focus entirely on training for my triathlon

CI: YOURE doing a triathlon?

Me: Yep, June 13th

CI: You know that requires a LOT of training

Me: Yep, I know

CI: You should be careful... you don't want to have a heart attack while you are racing


As if #1 I would just wake up one day three weeks before a race and say "gee the weathers nice out, the sun is shining, I have nothing to do this summer.... I know! I'll compete in a triathlon" What the hell!?!

Another conversation that occured this past weekend:

Me: So, save June 13th... its Triathlon day!

Unconvinced Person: Oh....so you're still going to do that thing?

Me: Yep... three weeks away

Unconvinced Person: Are you sure you want to do this? I dont know ... I would be .... concerned.....


If I didn't have so many doubts myself, I could tell em all to go to hell... but as I have said before, I'm definitely joining the apparently very large and constantly growing section of naysayers that don't believe I can do this. And as much as I want to believe that I can do this... having to fight against a never ending current of disbelievers is exhausting and has taken its toll on my self confidence and my ability to accurately gauge what is fear and what is the honest to goodness assessment of my abilities and shortcomings.

There are so many little evil trolls gathering around my fear bonfire, in the inner psyche of my mind... stoking the flames, toasting marshmallows, pouring gasoline and forcing the blaze to grow larger and larger.

Quitting would be giving in and allowing that little fear bonfire to consume me. But, I must say, this is the closest I have come to coming face to face with a fear before turning away and succumbing to it. If I actually cross that finish line.. it will be the first time in a really long time that I was able to give fear and self doubt the finger.

A Sign! :)

Ok, so after locking up the last post- I saw this quote on my sisters Facebook page:

When it comes to believing in yourself, put your eye on the mark and don't blink. If you have a goal, a dream, or an aspiration....believe in yourself while you are ON THE WAY to your destination, and you will already have arrived ♥

Apparently, the big Guy upstairs decided I needed a sign sooner rather than later, that I was headed in the right direction

:)

The Sands of Time... are NOT my friend

I am just shy of exactly one month until the Tri, and I find new things every day to worry about. I know that it's my inner self, just trying to sabotage, fill my head with doubt, and in general, make me want to quit. It's really just about resilience and stick-to-it ness, right?

I just, find myself sincerely doubting my abilities. Maybe I really did bite off more than I could chew. I seem to keep forgetting that the bike leg is 14 miles and not 12. Ive ben operating this whole time thinking it was only 12 miles, and since currently I can bike between seven and eight miles, I figured a month to gain four miles is no big deal. But a month to gain SEVEN? I don't know about that. Not to mention the fact that I can still only hold a pace slightly faster than a slug for three miles. Now, Im online reading about bike training for triathlons, and it says that for the past two months I should have been practicing "bricks" (switching back and forth between two exercises) the site I was just on suggested seven mile bike, followed by a one and a half mile run, and then repeated. After I finish seven miles, my legs feel like jelly and my ass feels like I just sled downhill, naked, over a bed of pine needles.

I guess I'm going to have to just have faith, and figure out how to change up my workouts so that I can do these "brick" thingies. My fear has shifted from the run leg to the bike leg. At least I know that I am capable of at least walking for three miles, but that bike leg is a repeat route- so once you go through once, you have to go back out and do it again. And I'm so afraid that I'll finish the first leg and just be too tired to finish. I need to stay out of my head and just keep my head down and plug along. If the people on the Biggest Loser can be trained well enough to run a marathon after a month of being on the show, surely I can double the mileage on my bike leg in a month.

When I was in high school, we went on this retreat... and one of the messages of the retreat was to "Let Go and Let God"
apparently that is what I need to do now. I started this journey, Im going to finish the journey... but I think this last month is going to be as much about faith as it is about endurance.

A Perfect Reason Why Your Legs Should Always Be Shaved

First and foremost, I want to begin todays blog with
I AM FINISHED WITH SCHOOL!!! YEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Ok, yay. Now that that is out of my system. It is now time to Bear Down and focus on the task at hand. In less than four weeks, I, Millie the Tubby Triathlete, will be huffing and puffing my way to victory!... of course, I still have a whole lot of training to do. This has riddled me with anxiety, I barely slept last night, waking up every so often just thinking "what on earth did you get yourself into".

Slow Fat Triathlete says at this point in the game (and really I probably should have started it a long long time ago) I should be providing myself constant positive assertions. And not just generalized "you will finish" but, "You are a great swimmer. You have excellent form. This strength will give you the added time you will need to get through the run." "Your legs are strong, this will help you maintain proper cadence during the bike route. This strength will continue and propel you through your run."

She believes that we are only as weak as our minds, and that most of these obstacles are more a battle of will than inability to do them. Especially with as much training as gets put in for this.

My day today started at the pool. I swam somewhere between a 1500 and a 1650. I'm not exactly sure on the final number, because I lost count. I have a lap counter watch, but it being Monday I did not properly pack my bag last night.

I really need to briefly jump on a soapbox for one second and discuss the importance of working out with fins and paddles.(In different rotations, not together, obviously ;-) ) Fins really improve the strength of your stroke. Even if you swim with them and dont increase the amount of pressure you apply, you still get a good workout with them. Now, if you increase the pressue, which increases the intensity, you will get an excellent workout for your arms. Though never swimming in a triathlon before I can't guarantee they will help you come race day, but considering all the conditioning workouts I did for swim team, they always, always pay off come race day. Additionally, fins (especially once specifically designed to make your legs work hard) really strengthen your legs. Not only is this a good benefit in the pool, because who doesn't need the extra oompf from the velocity of a well executed and strong kick? Most people when they get into the swim zone (and I am VERY guilty of this habit) forget to kick and allow your arms to do all the work while your legs drag along at about a quarter of their potential. So imagine how much faster you could go, if you maintained a kick throughout the whole swim leg, and it was an even stronger kick than you usually employ. Results - stupendous!

With my swimming complete I headed to the locker room to start preparing for my day. I discovered that the pants i ordered from Old Navy (which I hastily threw in my bag last night without bothering to look at them) are most likely a size four. I don't know if they are mislabeled, or if they are sized the european way, but they are most definitely NOT my size. I could not even get them past my knee. Thankfully, I work next to a Target. $56.00 later- I have a dress and cardigan to replace the pants/blouse set I was originally planning on wearing today.

Slight problem... Target does not sell plus size pantyhose. A total shock to me, considering they sell plus size clothes. Why on earth would they sell clothes but not pantyhose? So, I'm hose-less today....aaaaaand I haven't shaved in ohhh, maybe three-ish days. Lovely. So, my chicken legs are not only pasty and pale but hairy as well.

Lesson learned, even when showering at the gym, be sure to shave, you never know when you will need it.

I knew I was big, but....

So. I created a company facebook page, like a year ago. After reading some article in some magazine, my boss decides that he wants to really utilize Facebook to it's full capacity and start really keeping the Facebook page active and up to date. There has been new content being added every couple hours, but when I got home I noticed he had put a pictorial tour of the office up online. He had pictures of the front office, the desks etc.. yeah nice. So, then I come across this picture of me standing at the reception desk- I'm sure I was bs-ing with her over something. The picture is shot from way down the hall, and totally unbeknownst to me. Wow. I'm crushed. Maybe it was the shirt, maybe it was the way I was leaning against the counter, or maybe I am just really that completely and unflatteringly disgustingly large. Either way- I'm haunted now of that image. (which I deleted by the way- hehe Facebook admin powers rock on) It didn't really add anything to the overall effect anyway.

But, I know that by no means am I anywhere near skinny- or else this little expirament would not be called "The Tubby Triathlete" but I really did not think I was THAT big. This picture was only taken like 2 weeks ago too. Which hurts even more, because whenever I visit the ladies in the office building (they have these huge full length mirrors in the bathroom) I will openly admit I regularly check myself out... because slowly I notice subtle changes and from face on I think I look pretty good. Even when I'm standing to the side Im like ok- not perfect by any sorts but starting to pull in.

It had to be because I was leaning into the lip of the desk. Regardless- it was totally shattering. Ive been sitting here, for an hour now (when I'm supposed to be outside biking) frozen, that same ugly picture flashing through my head over and over again.. and all I can think is, what the hell am I doing. I am high if I think I am anywhere near an appropriate body size to be doing this. I must be insane. People are going to laugh their asses off to see me chugging down the road. God I am such a fool. And here I was all excited because the tank top and unitard I just ordered, I purchased 2 sizes smaller than when I started this. Mainly, because I know that 1. I will be even smaller a month from now and 2. it's spandex, its supposed to be a bit snug. But the tank top came and I tried it on this afternoon and I was thinking "damn, I look pretty good" and "wow, this shirt doesnt even look tight at all, not one roll or bulge protruding anywhere" I was buoyed almost - but after seeing that picture, I seriously think that Ive just been lying to myself. I know Im not going to be a size 4 overnight- or haha who am I kidding, probably ever... but I really thought I would be begining to see a sizeable difference by now.

I guess Im just too impatient. Rome was built brick by brick right. One month left. I feel so under prepared.

My MB keeps telling me that I'll be fine, that I shouldn't fret- but fret seems to be the only thing I'm good at doing right now.

I actually registered for a second triathlon. Not a full Tri though. The 2nd one (in August) is a relay tri that I'm doing with my Dad and sister. I've got the swim leg, which will be a no brainer for me. But I figured it keeps me motivated to keep working out all summer long. A week after the Tri, I go on vacation, so this will keep me dutifully exercising all throughout the summer.

Ive been visualizing myself crossing the finish line, in my orange "Team Rockstar" tshirt, my hair is french braided in twin pony tails, my hair is all a mess whisps sticking out here and there as a result of being wet, then getting wind blow, then sweating through the run (walk) ... and I imagine myself crossing the finish line, elation and relief on my face and just thinking "I really did it. I honestly just pushed through and finished this" In my mind.. I look pretty good. Obviously not skinny, but nothing like that picture that I just saw. Hopefully, stress, bad body posture, an unflattering shirt pattern and maybe a bit of body dysmorphic disorder are combining here to freak me out- and it wasn't really as bad as it seemed. One can only hope anyway... otherwise, you'll know I'm approaching come race day from all the pointing and laughing...

~Millie

You Were Right, I Was Wrong

I most definitely took on way, way, way too much this semester. I have burned the candle at so many ends, that the candle no longer is discernable and instead looks like a piece of swiss cheese it's been burned in so many places. I am spent. EMotionally, physically, mentally. I have hit a brick wall and every ounce of me is screaming that I should just give up. Except for this teeny tiny little voice that tells me to muddle through to keep pushing that soon, the only thing I will have to concentrate on is the Triathlon. One more week and school is over. One more week and the only thing I will need to focus on is stronger better faster. But now, mired in all of the crap that I have to get done, there is a quickly increasing and always strangling panic that I whatever ball I left in the air, is going to come down and crash. My times and distances are grossly lacking. 8 miles bike, 3 miles in an HOUR for the run (well- since we're being honest- the walk) swimming is the only thing that I am fairly confident I will be okay in. And even that is starting to worry me. I don't know how much is legitimate concern and how much is fear, and how much I can really gain in the less than six weeks that remains.

I took this personality test recently, and I am absolutely amazed at how dead on it is:


The Phlegmatic / Sanguine
If you are a phlegmatic-sanguine, your phlegmatic side will dominate. This will result in a greater tendency to introversion (though still less than a melancholic’s or pure phlegmatic’s). You are congenial and cooperative and get along well with most everyone. Because of your emphasis on harmony in relationships, you are peace-loving, conservative, well-balanced, easy-going, with a dry wit and a talent for bringing people together. As an employee, you are compliant, dutiful, orderly, and subdued (and probably were as a child too). Others may not realize that you have a sanguine side -- at first. It may take a little longer for you to make close friends (because you do not reveal your feelings or thoughts as readily as the more extraverted sanguine-phlegmatic), but once you do, your sanguine nature can assert itself. It will also show up when, for example, you have been so dutiful and compliant about work or school that finally you need to relax and unwind — and now the sanguine, fun-loving side comes out. Or, when you are hanging out with your closest friends.
You are very thoughtful of others, with a knack for empathically putting yourself in other people’s shoes, and value peace and harmony at all times. You also have a great sense of humor and an easy-going manner that makes you a valued friend. You are discouraged by criticism or negativity and need acceptance, support and cooperation in your personal life. You can be deeply wounded by sarcasm, harsh criticism, and anger when it is directed at you. You will not, however, directly fight back but prefer to “turn the other cheek” or redouble your efforts to please.
Phlegmatic-sanguines tend to prefer movies, concerts, or other forms of relaxation that are a bit more spectator-oriented. When they attend parties, they tend to prefer smaller groups, rather than the large social gatherings a pure sanguine enjoys. Like sanguine-phlegmatics, they are very attentive to relationships, to harmony among people. They have deep feelings, hate negative criticism, and become discouraged by negativity in those around them. They are strongly tempted to repress their own wishes in order to preserve peace in a relationship. A stressful situation (especially one that is interpersonally demanding) may cause the peaceful phlegmatic-sanguine to withdraw into solitary television watching, playing computer games, eating or sleeping, instead of directly expressing their negative feelings.
A danger for the phlegmatic-sanguine is to be satisfied with achieving less than what he is capable of -- whether because he tends not to plan for the future or because the more challenging goals seem to be “too much trouble.” A phlegmatic-sanguine will be strongly tempted to quit if he doesn’t think the end product is worth the effort or if he fears he won’t succeed. Perhaps the most besetting difficulties for this temperament mixture are the natural inclination to peace and quiet (tempting one to laziness), a preference to live within the moment (superficiality), and a tendency to make decisions based first on the desire to please someone else or to restore harmony.
In a relationship, the phlegmatic-sanguine is true-blue. He is likely to be a great listener, is willing to put others first, and has excellent mediatory skills. You are a supportive friend and a cooperative employee; however, this can cause you to say “yes” to demands of friends or colleagues, without first analyzing whether this choice is actually the best choice to make. At times, wanting to either please your good friends or avoid conflict either at home or at work, you may “go with the flow” when in fact a strong stance is necessary. Or, you may avoid a more demanding task or career move in order to maintain harmony and stability. If you find yourself “stuck in a rut” or avoiding making the extra effort required to make an important change, take time out to analyze your goals for the future, realign your priorities to reflect your values and, if necessary, seek spiritual direction to ensure that your values are aligned with God’s will for you.
If your temperament is phlegmatic-sanguine, for a better understanding of your temperament it is recommended that you read the full descriptions of the phlegmatic and sanguine.



The biggest points that hit home were "being satisfied with achieving less than what you are capable of" and not setting goals because they seem to be too much trouble, and constantly quits because of fear of failure!

At this point, me quitting entirely would be failure. Finishing last is not failure. Not trying will be the failure. A friend of mine told me, it's better to be Dead "Flipping" last than Did Not Start or Did Not Finish - so... that is what I keep telling myself.

One week, one more week, and finally the noose around my neck will loosen- at least until fall. But that is what is propelling me through this last week.. I mean, its preparing me for the race mentally anyhow isn't it? Showing me about overcoming obstacles, pushing through walls, and mentally achieving success even when you want to quit. :)

It's been a long time since Ive posted. Posting became backburnered trying to balance everything else in my life. As soon as classes finish, it will be back to daily postings.

Hopefully this weekend, I will be able to make up the lacking ground, both triathlon wise and academically.

Have a great weekend peeps
~Millie