Thursday, September 3, 2009

My Treadmill Has Masochistic Tendencies

Ok- so admittedly I am addicted to Big Brother.  I love that flipping show.  I don't know what about it I am drawn to every summer, but without fail it chains me all summer long.

So, today was a run day- but since I didn't want to miss tonight's live eviction (even though technically, I watch it on time delay so I can fast forward through the boring stuff)  I rushed home so I could have dinner and workout at home before Big Brother started.  I know, my life shouldn't revolve around a television show, but I digress.

It's a Treadmill day, and  feeling strong from the past few workouts that I've had, I decide to do a preprogram. I sort through the programs and find one that says 3.5 (which I normally walk)  with up to a 7.0  incline  and I think "hmm it will be hard, but I'm sure I can do it, it's not like it will be 7.0 the whole time"   Below, is the transcript of the conversation that went on between me and my treadmill:

M-  Okay, starting off , 2.0  a bit slow, geez my heart isn't even pumping....boring
T-   Oh, you don't like 2.0  huh?  How about a bit of 2.5?
M-  Hmm.. a nice pace but nope  not even a twitter in the heart beat
T-  OH YEAH?  Well How about THIS....  2.5 with an incline of 2.0
M-  Hmm... feels good..  I can do this alright we're doing well
T-   damn, you're still keeping up.....  2.5  with a 4.0  incline
M-  Mmm  I'm starting to feel it  yup the leg muscles are starting to work
T-  Oh yeah?  Starting to work huh?  3.0  with a 4.0 incline
M-  Mmm  starting to sweat, definitely feeling it
T-  getting tired?
M- Nope  I'm good
T-  Well then....  3.0  with a 5.0 incline  how about now?
M- I'm definitely working for it...but so far so good
T-  well then, take this ms I don't feel a thing....  3.5 with a 6 incline
M-  Yikes... okay I can keep up.. I'm good, stay strong it cant last forever
T-  Can't last forever huh?  Guess what.....  3.5  with a 7.0 incline.
M-  OMG hang on, stay strong.. you can do it, breathe, breathe breathe....ignore the leg cramp
T-  Ohhh leg cramp huh?  ... poor thing...   3.5 with a 6.0
M- Hmm  that drop in the incline didn't do much for the burning
T-  well if you're going to be ungrateful  3.5 with a 7.0
M-  Oh God, I'm not going to make it, how long have I been going for? 17 minutes?  13 minutes left to go, how long to I have to stay on a 7.0 at a 3.5  surely this has to be over soon
T-   3.5 at a  6.0
M- Oh thank goodness
T-  3.5 at a 5.0  
M-  ahhh sweet sweet sweet relief, I feel it coming
T-  How do like this bitch?  3.5 to 7.0
M-  What?  No... we had a good thing going here.. you were slowing down, we were starting on the decline
T-  suck it up... keep going.
M- But it's 14 minutes surely we can slow down a little while...please
T-  3.5 to a 6.0  -  keep begging
M- I dont have much breath left to beg... seriously, I can't take much more
T-  3.0  to a 5.0
M-  ok  a bit better... thank you
T-  3.0 to a 4.0  
M- mmmmm much better
T-  you're weak!  you need more to get rid of that joggle ass-  3.5 at a 4.0
M- Please, please not again...
T-  You're mine now  3.5 at a 5.0
M- I don't like where this is headed
T-  *whip crack*
M-  *cry*
T- *evil laugh*
M- *whimper*
T- 3.5 at a 6.0
M- *glances at countdown-  prays for a quick end*
T- 3.5 at a 7.0  as retribution for the glance at the clock
M- *sniffle*
T- Buck Up Cowboy, bite through the pain
M- *grimace*...  ten minutes left....surely we can start cooling down now
T- *evil laugh*-  hold the 3.5
M- *sweating profusely*
T-  Had enough?  Are you gonna call uncle?
M- Uncle! Uncle! Dear God Uncle!
T-  Too bad. *Laughs again*
M-  Please... stop the insanity.... 
T-  starting to second guess that handful of pretzels you ate at the office today aren't you
M- Yes, I'll second guess anything just please, I think Im dying
T- well, a dead tubby wouldn't be nearly as fun as a live one - 3.0 at a 5.0-  How's that?
M- more..please...more
T- *sigh*-  Fine....  3.0 at a 4.0
M- is it cool down yet?
T- seriously?  was my generosity not enough?  We can go again?
M- no no, plenty generous *gasp for air*  but look, we only have five minutes
T- very well  2.5 at a 3.0
M-  thank you treadmill, thank you
T- 2.0 at no incline----  end of workout
T-  check your pants... I think your thighs set fire to leggings.
M-  -checks pants...discovers hole-.... 

1.5 miles, a gallon of sweat and now 15 minutes later... I am still sweating, and I need a new pair of leggings.