Monday, September 21, 2009

Finding Balance

So, I'm starting to rethink the whole taking 3 classes in one semester thing. I just have a feeling that I have totally over-committed myself this semester, and I have no idea how it will all work out. I haven't been back to the gym yet. I'm feeling better, but I still have a horrible, wet cough as this thing makes it way down and out. I don't know when would be the time to start again and when is the time to stop and let my body heal. Maybe I should be working out again, but I can't see how that is possible when I still cough every five to ten minutes. I'll see how I feel as the week progresses. I know I am losing all the ground that I gained by not working out, but at the same time, I don't want to pull away resources my body is using to fight the infection to exercising and breaking down the body to build it up again.

I'm so confused. I have no idea what to do. I have actually become afraid of falling back and losing ground. It seems like it is always the same battle with me...I'm on track for a really long time and then something derails me, and then suddenly a week turns into two, two turns into a month, and then a month turns into two before I finally find my way back to gym again. I just don't want to lose that focus. At the same time, the class load that I am taking is overwhelming me. I think it's just the anticipation of being overwhelmed, considering I have all of my projected projects and assignments for the whole week already completed. I need to stay focused, but my head keeps spinning and the little devil on my shoulder keeps telling me that I'm never going to be anything but a failure. I keep fighting against it now, but I am terrified that one day soon, tired or stressed, or sick of the never ending infinite pile of research, papers, books to read along with the smattering of other assignments piled on me, that I am just going to totally give up on the whole working out thing, and use school as the excuse. Why do I do this to myself.

I just need to stay organized and focused. I'm four weeks ahead of schedule in one class, and have the syllabi's for my other two classes, where it seems that it is going to be a fairly predictable 11 weeks... I guess I just feel this sense of impending doom, or impending stress, or some gut feeling that everything is going to come to a shrieking, screaming, flailing head somewhere around the middle of November.

On a secondary note, I mentioned to my mom that I was going to compete in a triathlon. I was actually kind of afraid of what she was going to say, because for some insane reason, even though I am thirty years old, I still allow the opinions of both of my parents to rule my own motivations ... and when they tell me they don't think I can do something, instead of being motivated to prove them wrong, I lay down in defeat instead. So I was sort of nervous that she was going to tell me I wouldn't be able to do it, and that I would believe her. Instead she made a comment about being concerned for my knees, and then said she would be there to cheer me on. It actually kind of shocked me. But, in a good way.

So, currently, I'm spinning... in a mental way instead of in the way I should be (as in the calorie blasting, fat burning way). I am spending far too much time in my head and not enough time in the gym. I wish I had like a sickness timer that would pop out like the little buttons in a Thanksgiving Turkey to tell me when I'm well enough to head back to the gym...not that I have copious amounts of time to spend there right now- but I know I have to find a way to make time. Hopefully this week will bring academic clarity- and I will be able to find a schedule and a routine that I can fall into.

Hoping for the best- otherwise, I may need a padded cell before the semester ends

~Millie :o)