Monday, October 10, 2011

You Are Not Alone

Holy Guacamole, it has been a hella long time since I've checked in.  My.Bad.  Seriously.

This term has taken its toll thats for sure.  Time has been squeezed into a never ending progression of work, school and homework-  and working out is stuffed into teeny intervals of space when time permits and motivation is eeked out of the very last drops of energy.

This weekend was a workout with Brutus-  it's been a while, as our schedules haven't been able to mesh.  Weeks of dependance on caffeine, and eating only one meal a day has resulted in a serious depletion of the energy stores.  My day's have become a succession of protein shake breakfasts, followed by caffeinated protein shake lunches (and usually some form of solid food) -  followed by a coffee and  some form of "grab and go" snack (usually peanut butter crackers, a nut mix, or pretzel crisps with cheese or hummus)  -  and that is about the extent of my meals in a day.  Probably less than 1200 calories.  If I had to guess (since this bad girl hasn't been food tracking at all-  Id say I have barely been eating over the 1000 calorie mark)

So after a "warm up" of fifty weighted squats and twenty twistie thingies that my tired brain can't provide a better description of-  I was already running on fumes.  Two sets of rigorous lower body work (read: squats, squats, squats, more squats- some bicep work, followed by kettle ball squats) I was literally out.of.gas.

Usually, I'm tired or my muscles get a bit shaky, but never like this. Never to the point where I can't even stand -  I was exhausted.  I have officially hit the point of burning the candle to it's complete end.  That- was where the breakdown happened.  Yup- me, the non crier- cried.  Okay, I spilled like five tears and then was able to reign it back in before it turned into an ugly cry- but I broke down.

Now- this is where you will all say "Brutus rocks" because he totally does.

He said "you are not alone in this...  you have your husband, you have me, you have your friends, and they all are here to help you."

I just need to ask.

I know.  I'm not alone.  Asking for help = not my favorite thing. We've been over that a billion times.

And, in reality what all can I ask for help with?  Help reading the never ending books? Help writing the never ending pile of papers?  Help keeping me company at three in the morning when I wake up and I'm not able to fall back to sleep?  Yes Mr Millie can help with dinners and keeping us on track and organized.  Brutus can help keeping me in check, giving me suggestions for high protein snack/meals and giving suggestions on how to eat on the go,  but other than that-  how else can I be helped?  I sort of dug my own grave this term.  As usual, I took on too much in order to prove I'm worth remark.  To show that I can balance the plate on my nose, while balancing on the ball, while singing kumbaya backwards in chinese, with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back-  tadaaa- :jazz hands:

 I keep yearning and searching for approval that isn't going to come.  The only one that ever ends up affected by it is me, and my own exhaustion, and yet I repeat the same pattern over and over again.

At this point, all I can do is push through. Its too late to change anything (class wise).  We have a new plan eating wise going forward. That consists of tupper ware-  coolers, and small grab and go snacks that can be eaten at work, in the car, during class-  made beforehand and stored in the fridge until needed.

The new plan for working out-  walking on the treadmill- every night- after class/homework/etc.  To prevent moving backwards, to keep the muscles limber- while also not burning out and then a Brutus butt kicking every Saturday.

Only 2 caffeinated drinks a week (*whimper*) -  according to Brutus- once the body knows it has fuel stores (from the food) it can turn to, it won't feel so tired all the time.

Then, once the semester is over-  spending a LOT of time recharging - I have some vaca days left and some floating holidays left-  which will be used to let my brain just recover from being overly taxed.

A wiser schedule for next term- which will not force me to have to work every single day and night seven days a week.  It may delay my graduation date, but at least I won't lose my mind and I'll have some time to really focus on getting healthy.

So, that is all she wrote for now!