Monday, December 12, 2011

Its Amazing What A Bit of Self Confidence Can Do

I know, I know.. who are you- right?  Where have you been for the past oh, six or so weeks.   I'm sorry that I have disappeared again, but to be honest being a Literature major having to write paper after paper and expound upon topic after topic really sucks the creative juices right out of you.  Especially when you are having to do it over and over and over again- and balance a job- thereby forcing your creative process late into the nights and wee hours of the morning.  However, as of midnight this morning- I am FREEEEEEE!  Hallelujah!

What does this freedom have to do with Self Confidence?  Allow me to be ancedotal for just a moment.

As I was writing my final papers-  and growing tired of my "100 Most Relaxing Songs" CD  as Ive totally worn that baby out over the past few weeks ( I can only think and write in intense situations while listening to classical music- and Pandora just doesnt do it for me when it comes to Classical music).  So, sick of my 100 Classical Songs CD, I decided to switch into Christmas Music since it's December and all.

A Song came up on my ITunes-  called "Still Still Still".  Its a Christas Carol-  quite beautiful actually.  When I was in high school, it was the audition piece to make it into select ensemble.  I remember auditioning and shaking like a leaf, and unable to hit the "high note" in the first section of the song (its a G-  not really all that high but for a 15/16 year old, it seems high)

I've implanted the You Tube link in case you want to hear the song but Im mentioning it merely for its ancedotal value at this point.  I never did make select ensemble ( I was never "good enough")  but fast forward to the present time.  Even up to a few years ago, singing had always been something I have't quite been able to "share" with people... I would always become grossly intimidated because in the past, sharing my voice with people would always have negative consequence due to lack of self confidence-  I would either forget the words, fall apart and go sharp or flat - or just generally have a whole mess of things go wrong.    However, recently, probably since finishing that first triathlon I've suddenly found myself again.

I was asked to "pinch hit" in choir a few months ago (I haven't been regularly attending because of - you guessed it-  school)  but my choir director knew I could hit the A (yes... an A, much higher than that damn G of years past)  with no issue, for a song we were singing and asked if I would come to fill out the Soprano section.  It was the first time that I had been "needed" and I knocked it right out of the park :the crowd went wild: :cheering, applause:

Fast forward a few months later, and I'm knocking out papers on Patriarchal Hegemony dropping these big assed words like it's nobody's business.  Words that have been floating around in my brain for some time, but I never had the proverbial balls to whip em out.  I have been afraid of Russian Literature for who knows how long-  afraid why?  Because Ive always thought it too hard-  too above my mental capacities to be able to absorb... and what did I do this term?  Dabbled in the Russians of course.

There is a point, I promise this isn't a Millie love fest.  That triathlon, gave me so much more than a blog to write on, or new friends to share in my journey, or a path to a healthier me-  it gave me back- well me.  The me I had thought I lost some time ago.  She is slowly starting to peek out again and bask in the sunshine.  Being able to set a task and see it all the way through showed me that I'm worth investing in.  That I am fully capable of going the distance, and not wussing out or chickening out- or giving up.

And, if I am capable of these things.. I know you are too!  So, throw open your arms, throw caution to the wind,  and open up all those windows to your soul that have been locked up and shuttered... the old you will grow in the sunshine.. you just have to allow them to do it!

What activities has your lack of self-cofidence held you back from doing lately?  Or.. if its easier to answer it this way:   If I wasn't ________  I would ________


KLA said...

I need to find a new job. But I can't help but to think that I'm not good enough and I don't have the proper education to move into a higher position. I'm fat right now and I will be negatively judged.

Congrats on finishing the course! Must feel fantastic!

The Tubby Triathlete said...

I feel ya! I think with the economy right now- everyone is kind of "putting up with the crap" and once the economy improves, I think everyone is going to be uprooting again. But while we're hanging out waiting no time like the present to be working on ourselves- which is what were doing so YAY for us! :)