I Am The Face of Bullying

Thanks to The Bully Project for sponsoring my writing. Visit their website to join the movement and learn more.

This is me (in the Pink Esprit)  at age 11, at the beginning of Junior High.  That's when it started.  The names, the jokes behind my back, the passing of notes about me in classes...  I didn't have a whole lot of friends.  My "old" friends had moved on to their new social circles in their new junior high. I was trying to navigate my way and find a place within friend structures that had been established in kindergarten or later on in grade school.  My parents were divorcing (practically unheard of in a Catholic school), I was having issues with knees (which developed into full blown knee problems) and essentially my world was falling apart.  It was a battle zone at home, and a battle zone at school.  Because of my knees,  I had to miss a lot of gym class... then because I was teased for always missing gym class  I would just miss school all together thinking that would solve the problem.  Instead it only increased the fodder. Teachers, students, they all joined in on the fun. My 8th grade year book has a "where will they be in 20 years" at the back of it... mine says "She will finally have come to school enough days to graduate".


There are lots of different forms of bullying.. not just the slam a kid up against the lockers kind.  Girls don't deal in physical bullying.  Girls get psychological.  Girls get mean.  I wish I could say that I am one of those people who will stand up to you and make you back down-  or at least try to tell you my 7th and 8th grade self was.  I wasn't, however.  By nature, I'm a pleaser.  When people don't like me, instead of brushing it off with an "I don't care" attitude, I spend too much time and energy trying to figure out why they don't like me.. and how I can get them to like me.  Couple this with a kid who has been "trained" to emotionally ball into a fetal position and surrender instead of standing their ground when having to battle the "mean girls" (and in all actuality, the "mean guys" too), because of the battleground in their home.  What happens when a bully realizes you are an easy target that isn't going to fight back and isnt going to tell on them?  


Once I graduated from that school and moved on to my high school I thought everthing would be different, it would all change now that I was in a new school getting a fresh start with dozens of other girls also getting a fresh start in a new school. Unfortunately I was battle weary and really had a hard time trusting anyone...and not everytime but there were enough times even in high school where I had put my trust in someone only to have it shredded and passed around a very small school like a toy.  I withdrew, kept to myself,  secretly hoping to be noticed, liked, befriended.  I was the "weird" one that people knew but didn't socialize with...  who wasn't an outcast, but didn't get invited to parties either.  Some of those people still feel I'm the "weird" one... but the difference now? I really couldn't care less.  


Adult me realizes that if people are still judging you based on who  they think  you used to be... that they aren't even worth a second of thought.  They do not deserve to rent out space in your head or heart.  Adult me, wants every child who is bullied to know that while those words hurt and sometimes its hard to muddle through another day,  that it will be o.k. 

While some people may think that you are a 

... the problem is with them  not you.  

I've made my peace with my past.  While I would never, ever want to re-live it; I have accepted what it was, and have used it to fuel me on the days when I feel unmotivated.  There were days when I was young, when I got so low, and the emotional pain was so bad, that I would have rather been dead than have to endure another day of being the butt of everyone's jokes.  I look back on those days now amazed  that I would ever let small minded people force me to hate myself that much.  


Because if I had rolled over and let the haters win, 




                                                            I would be here

                                                  
                                                               Instead of here

Bullying is a very serious issue these days, and The Bully Project, a movie about child victims of bullying is a must see for parents and their children.  What better way to open the dialogue with your child about bullying, bullies, and the effects of unkind words, than a night out together watching this film.  Please take a moment to view the trailer below.  











I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective. Find showings in your area for The Bully Project and buy tickets here.

Big People, Sizist Society

I have all of these half started blogs saved that I have meant to go back and finish, but time is a slippery snake these days that always evades me. However, this morning, I am fired up and pissed off enough that I need to say something about some really ridiculous crap that is going on of late.

First of all, I had wanted, last week, to address the issue of bullying and discuss how bullying affects everyone, how it’s not right, how I’ve had to face my own series of “mean girls” growing up… and though my tangent right now is fueled by a different emotion, and one that will not really project empathy in regards to bullying, I do still feel it has somewhat to do with what I want to say.

Perhaps you have heard there is a lot of hubbub about this show entitled “Mike and Molly” which airs on CBS. The show, about two heavy people who meet and fall in love at Overeaters Anonymous (a fact in the story I was really peeved at when I heard about this show… why couldn’t the main characters meet at a Barnes and Noble, or at a Bar like the rest of the population? Is taking a pot shot about OA really necessary- but I digress). Anyhow, the bones of the story though, were still hopeful. It was nice to see that someone in Hollywood had decided that not every main character in the world needs to be a size 2. But apparently, an Op-Ed writer at Marie Claire seems to feel differently…
She has written and I quote “"I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair."

Apparently though, the inability to spell or string intelligible sentences together doesn’t matter to the people at Marie Claire, as long as their writers are Cacomorphobic (that’s the fear of becoming fat) for those who aren’t a walking dictionary- don’t worry I had to Google it too.

Apparently, not just Marie Claire is on this anti fat band wagon. CNN also decided to “weigh in” (pun, intended) on the subject of viewer discomfort watching fat people fall in love.

It stuns and amazes me that in a society where people expend energies about equality in races, equality in sexes, equality amongst alternative lifestyles' and the list goes on ad infinitum on what we should be “accepting of” and you find the everyone from the President, Newscasters, and a slew of impassioned friends proselytizing on these days, it’s still o.k. in mainstream America to hate fat people? These same people (like Ms. Maura Kelly of Marie Claire Magazine) would scream and rant about inequalities if someone said that she shouldn’t be able to write for a magazine because she was a woman. It’s been forgotten I guess, that just a few decades ago, that is exactly what occurred in this country. Or if someone told Neil Patrick Harris, or Ellen, that their shows were being cancelled because seeing homosexuals on TV grosses someone out. Apparently, we’ve forgotten the decade of the 1990’s too, when this very thing was discussed.

I am dumbfounded that in 2010, and after all kinds of “accepting each others differences” and “diversity sensitivity training” we’ve received, and all this love and flowers that has been preached to us that people can honestly laugh and poke fun at people because they look different. Would people be making jokes about a blogger who commented on a person’s race? No, people would be up in arms screaming and yelling and every news outlet in the country would be calling for her dismissal. So, why on earth is it okay for someone to make comments about how disgusting someone is because they are fat, and no one even bats an eye- and it was barely a whisper in the news.

This is NOT Ok. And it’s this kind of attitude that also propagates the acceptance of bullying and a bullyistic (I'm Sure that’s not a word, but whatever) tendencies in kids. The kind of close-minded hateful but not outwardly so opinions, like “oh man that kid is really dorky and never talks, I’m going to pick on him because he’s weak” or “hey look at that fat kid that can’t run, I’ll pick on him because I'm better than him” or “look at that kid wearing a veil over her head, I’m going to pick on her because she looks different than I do” None of this is okay- and if we are going to be a society that says love everyone regardless of race,sex or creed= we also have to start buying into the mentality to love everyone no matter what they look like too. We as a society can not be a walking hypocrisy.




Also on my shit list- Old Navy, owned by the Gap company. Now, originally when Old Navy announced they were going to be selling plus sizes I was over the moon thrilled, because well, Old Navy clothes are very reasonably priced…and for a wanna be fashionista as myself, and has a streak of vanity in never wanting to repeat an outfit when going out, lest it get published on Facebook… Old Navy was the affordable answer to cute tops for outings.

One tiny problem. Apparently, Old Navy wants our Plus Size dollars, but not our fat asses in the stores. Plus sized clothing from Old Navy can ONLY be purchased online. At first, I didn’t care, it was still Old Navy clothes, so I could still fit in with the rest of the known universe wearing Old Navy’s clothes. However, the kicker came when they STOPPED accepting returns in-store (see again my comment about not wanting our fat asses in the store) and made us return everything by mail. Then, as a double kicker--- the cost of the return is deducted from your refund. So, essentially, I’M Paying Old Navy $5.99 for the “HONOR” of TRYING ON their clothing? What crap.


So- until things change - and believe you me, strongly worded letters are going out to both Marie Claire and to Old Navy-

I am asking that you join me in a boycott of both of these companies. If you are so inspired, perhaps you too will be motivated to send them letters of complaint as well.


Gap Online
100 Gap Online Drive
Grove City, Ohio 43123-8605

And



Marie Claire- Editor in Chief : Joanna Coles
JoannaColes@hearst.com

If nothing else, let's keep in mind that we are all people just trying to navigate through our lives... and hopefully think twice before making an insensitive comment about someone.
Until next time,
~Millie